8 months and 16 days ago. That's when I began my life here at Dayton. I'm not usually someone who cares much about details, but that was a rather large moment in my life. Not because that day itself really changed anything at all, but because I'm here now and I know that things have not been the same since that day.
I'm here now. I'm actually specifically sitting on the floor of a bedroom in the apartment of my (plural) fake moms. This might be the last time I spend a night sitting on the floor here, or, spending time here in general. Who cares? I suppose it's only a place and that's how it should stay. It's not about the location, it's about the people there: the things that have happened with them and you and the way in which you have become in that location.
So, I guess I must keep that in mind when I leave Dayton for almost four months. It's not about the place at all, it's about the people that I have met here and the person I am right now (not even the person I was...just the person that I am!). Dayton has sincerely ripped my heart out of my chest and made me into something that I never imagined that I could be. It has morphed me and shaped me and created me into something more beautiful than I ever thought that I could be. And maybe it's not that my beauty has changed or increased at all, but rather, that I have become able to recognize it. And for that, I am basically eternally grateful.
I have to tell everyone something though. Guys, I've fallen in love. This is going to sound excessively corny and cheesy and gushy to the maximum extreme, but I have truly fallen in love with God this year. We might still be in the "talking" phase, where I don't know completely where I stand or what's going to happen with Him and me, but, my goodness He is so wonderful and He makes me so happy..no..so joyful. When I think back to this school year, the last 8.5 months, I am overwhelmed with all of the blessings and challenges and love and amazement and everything else that God has given me. He has filled my life with so much and taken away so much of what I no longer needed. And I fought Him the entire time, but when it came right down to it, it didn't matter, He was not going anywhere. And He's still not. I might leave Dayton, but He's going with me. And the best part about that is that I know He is also going with each and every one of my friends and so I know that we will still all be together, at least in the fact that we are with Him. I know that's extraordinarily cheesy sounding and cliche and religious for the people who aren't, but I don't even care. It's the pure and honest truth that I know each day and that keeps me wanting to get out of bed every morning. Dayton has helped me find so much truth and beauty in my love for the Lord. My life has never been as beautiful as it is every moment that I am alive. It gets more beautiful every single moment simply because I am alive and I belong to God! That literally blows my mind every single time I think about it.
I'm not sure I entirely know the person that I was when I showed up here on that day. I'm not sure anyone really knew who they were. It was like gaining the key to our new rooms gave us the key to our new lives and the new person that we would become within that room. It unleashed a whole new realm of possibilities that we couldn't understand or explain until we were living it, and even then, we had no prayer of understanding or explaining it, but it changed because then we could feel it. Those feelings have helped us to make choices, those feelings have helped us discover whoever it was we were supposed to be, those feelings have helped us to address all the things we didn't want to address but being forced to address these things allowed us to grow. Those feelings were part of the reason that I got out of bed each day because I knew that there were such possibilities and such endless things to be known. When I was trying to figure all of these things out I almost gave up so many times. I almost lost myself in the mix of things. But people continually pulled me out, and now, now that I am returning the key to my room and the key to the life that I have lived here this year...I am forced to reflect back on all of these things.
I don't know what I am supposed to say to try to sum up this year. I don't know how I am supposed to take so much of who I am now and what happened to me and who I met and put it into words. Maybe for once, I'm not supposed to. Maybe it's only supposed to be for me to know right now. But yet, here I am, still trying to put it into words because it isn't enough for me only to have access to these feelings. And I want to try to remember this in the future.
I think something that is a very large part of so much of what has happened here in me and around me and with me is the people. I can't even begin to understand what kind of people have been in, left, come into, and gone out of my life this year. I have been hurt and broken and shattered and fallen into so many pieces in so many ways this year. Parts of me that I didn't even know that I had or was holding onto were lost and broken and sometimes I truly thought that I was not going to be able to pick up the pieces or figure out how to fit myself back together again so many of the times. But each time, God would give me the opportunity to be alive and whole and beautiful once again. Whether this was of my own accord, or someone else taking the time to do it for me, it continually happened this year. I could not be more thankful for the people that took the time on me this year.
From the people in my life this year, I learned so much. I learned that love is reckless and all-encompassing. It is painful and wonderful and hurts and heals us. It is something that cannot be put into words when it is being felt, and something that we have endlessly to give, if we remember that the most important love is that for your Savior and that for yourself, because if we have these loves, then we can give and receive all the other kinds of loves in a more righteous and beautiful way.
I also learned that friendship, when formed in the right ways, has no loopholes. It has no boundaries, either. A true friend accepts and loves you for exactly who you are. It isn't necessary to be afraid or question your value to them because they want you. A true friend wants to be there in whatever way that they can, and a true friend wants to provide you with what you need. By being a true friend, those people probably will provide you with exactly what you need..even though it takes us awhile to see or understand or admit that what they do for us is, in fact, just what we need.
I learned that living is astoundingly magnificent. Getting the chance to wake up each day is something that I have for so long taken for granted. Someone this year used the phrase "thank you for this day that I have not been promised" in a prayer. This kind of blew my mind. This one line in this one prayer actually changed the way that I was choosing to live each day. When I began to look at things with more of this attitude and less of one that hated waking up for class and homework and life in general each day..I became so utterly obsessed with being alive. I know it seems kind of like an odd thing to be obsessed with, but...I almost lost some people in my life this year that were extremely important to me. Realizing that I might not be able to see those people ever again, and then realizing that I used to largely not value my own life..put a lot of things in perspective for me. My life is from God, and..I deserve to be loved and deserve to have the fullest most splendid life that I possibly can. I have learned that I deserve so much.
I learned that fear isn't always a bad thing. Fear can mean growth. Fear can mean that there is more good to come. Fear can mean that I am, in general, at least feeling. And most of all, that fear can be overcome. It is not something that is unconquerable. It is something that truly can make me grow. It is something that can be one of the most beautiful parts of me if I let it help me, and not hurt me.
I learned that school is important, but we can figure out how to fit it into our lives that are social and growing and changing. It doesn't have to rule your life, but it can actually be helpful to your interactions with people and your knowledge of the world. It can help prevent extreme naivety. Just putting in a plug for higher education.
I learned that my parents always have been right..and that I am slowly becoming my mother.
I learned that who I am is always enough, as long as I learn to let it be.
Mostly, I have learned. I have learned that I know a lot, I am always learning more, and I am also in the process of knowing nothing.
In general, I am just so thankful. I am so thankful for all of the love that is surrounding me all the time, and is constantly present in my life. I am so thankful for the laughter, and the people to hold me when I have the tears, too. I am so thankful for the fact that my parents make so many sacrifices so that I can be at this school. I am so thankful for this school..the teachers, the lessons learned, the people here who fill my heart entirely to overflowing, and then catch the overflow when it hurts. I am so thankful for my life..every day that I get to wake up to. Everything terrible that reminds me that much more that I am alive..and everything wonderful that helps to remind me how grateful I should be. I am so thankful for the past 8 months and 16 days...because they were. It doesn't even matter what they were..just simply that they were.
And I am thankful that I can know that while Dayton is where all of this happened..it is not about the place. It's about the people there: the things that have happened with them and you and the way in which you have become in that place.
And oh, how I know this now. How I have felt, how I have loved, how I have changed,
how I have become.
Those are the things that will matter...for the next four months while I am not here.
And for forever.
"I remember that day my life changed,
And now leaving here seems so strange,
The love and friendships will be summer's glue,
Cause now I know..I'll be homesick for here, too.
Here is where I belong,
Here is where I learned my song.
Here helps me be all I can be,
Right here, I'm fully me.
And when I forget the words,
I know here..I'm still heard."
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