What is passion?

Passion is a noun:
any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.

It seems to me that having a passion is kind of a funny thing. So many people spend their lives and their time seeking out things that they're passionate about. But part of me seems to think that if you have to look for your passion, then maybe it isn't really your passion. I mean, you might not always know what your passion is..but that doesn't mean you don't have one. The other night, I was talking to someone and they were talking about how they used to be really envious of people who have one specific thing that they are passionate about. There's people who care deeply about sports and indulge themselves in that, there's people who care intensely about academics and give up a social life for it. There's people who are excessively passionate about all sorts of things..but just because you don't have ONE specific passion doesn't mean you should give up on passions altogether. You don't have to have ONE big passion, but you can have a series of weird, or nerdy, or obscure obsessions that you're really passionate about. It's one of the many things that makes everybody different.

This identification of what passion is, and how it changes from person to person really got me thinking. The wheels in my brain were turning, and in the way that I described passion to myself, I began to think that maybe I didn't have a passion. Maybe I had spent too much time searching for one. I expressed to my friend that I wasn't really sure what my passion was. She stopped, and she goes,
"Well, I think your passion is people."

People? My passion is people? At first, when she said this, I wanted to both automatically say, yes, you're correct, that is a logical response. But I also wanted to stop and say, can people be a passion? I reflected on this in all the farthest recesses of my mind, and frankly, maybe it is my passion. I have this weird thing where I love to understand people. I love to see inside of peoples' heads. I have always thrived on talking to people and understanding. Understanding is another thing I am really obsessed with. Not like, I need to understand everything and I place myself above other people because I understand more than them..or anything like that, but I like to gain perspective. I like to step back and look at the world through other peoples' eyes and sometimes, I like to look at peoples' lives through THEIR eyes. If they let me.

I also do really crazy things sometimes. People might say I'm a people pleaser and I am always trying to please people and do nice things for people and I guess to some extent, that is true. But I don't think I'm one of those people who is constantly in need of pleasing people, or does it for self gain. I think I just really like doing nice things for other people. The past few years, I've gotten into this thing where I just really love to let people know what they mean to me. I really like to go out of my way to find out things that will make someone happy, and then go out of my way to do those things or make those things happen. Happiness has such a stark value in my life, and maybe because I spent so long worrying about other peoples' happiness instead of my own, now I've reached this point where other peoples' happiness plays a large role in affecting MY happiness. It was a trade-off I made when I realized that wow, maybe my happiness IS important. And no, I don't rely on other people being happy for me to be able to be happy. But I love seeing other people happy. Sometimes I do crazy things like go and sidewalk chalk peoples' driveways with stupid stuff so they can have that random bit of happiness to come home to. Sometimes I make CD's for people when I should be doing other things. Sometimes I drive people out to eat even when I can't go..and then I go back and pick them up. Sometimes I do stupid things that when I look at them a foot away from my own perspective, I'm not really sure why I do them. It's not that I think if i didn't do these things, peopl wouldn't like me. I think, I just really like to do nice things for people. I'm kind of confused by this, and I'm not entirely sure what I mean, but I just thought it was worth expressing.

So, maybe people are my passion. I love making friends, and trying to understand people. I love telling stories to make people laugh. I love being my own person, and finding things about me that I like, but finding them in other people. I love trying to identify what makes me love someone, and trying to identify little things about people without asking. True, maybe all of these things are crazy, or illogical, or who even knows what, but in the bigger picture of it, they're the things that help make me exactly the way I am.

Now that I'm realizing these things about myself, it makes me want to leave even less. Going to a place where all of it is uncharted territory is kind of weird. I'm going to go and everyone is going to be someone I have the chance to get to know. There's no, "Oh we've known each other for 14 years" or "Oh, remember that time in 4th grade when you did that thing.." or "Oh, gosh, I can't be their friend because they dated so and so." (Not that I actually say all those things, but I'm trying to make a point.) I mean, yes, all of those things might happen after spending some time at college. I might make friends I want to keep and friends I don't. I might meet people who want nothing to do with me, and maybe that's okay. But it's going to be an adventure, and maybe I'm going to be able to delve even deeper into being passionate and discover new things about myself, other people, and understanding.

And I was thinking about how leaving this week for the LEAD program is kind of like a test run. It's like a crash course in missing people and meeting people, and yeah, it's all God-based so it's a little different, AND they're taking my phone away so the people I have talked to everyday for the past two months I will not be able to be in contact with. However, on a general note for the entire thing..I kind of like it. People keep asking me if I'm excited, and sometimes I want to say, "Well of course I am!" and sometimes I want to say flatly, "No. Why should I be?" And that's what life is like. It's the great paradox. I can be both excited, and homesick for the people here before I even leave.

But you know what's nice? Knowing that there are going to be people there that will want to get to know me.
And what's even nicer? Knowing that there are people here when I get back who already do.

I think my passion has nothing (and everything) to do with me.
It's the people in my life who have inspired it, and the people in my life who will keep it thriving.

And so it begins...

To be honest, i'm not entirely sure how i feel about beginning a blog. i've never been the kind of person to just write about my life. i suppose i'm more the kind of person who rants about situations, frustrations, or exhilarations. but, awhile ago, i realized that writing is my most sincere form of communication and expression. so, maybe this is a good idea. maybe no one will like to read it, or maybe no one WILL read it. but the final point is that i'm writing, which is kind of a big deal.

i think for awhile, i just really didn't appreciate my writing as much because it tended to irritate me more than satisfy me. writing makes me crazy. it's like i have all the words in my head but i can't seem to convey them in a logical manner without an abundance of time to back me up. or, even if it's logical, in a way that expresses exactly what i'm thinking or exactly what i need to say. so, writing tends to be a real process but i'm going to try not to be too uptight.

alas, i've already written too much about writing itself, and if you are reading this you might be thinking, "wow, fascinating, she's blogging about blogging..good.." the judgment is allowed, and preferred i suppose. without judgment we could not appreciate that which is more desirable. i'm not sure particularly what i meant by that...but at the very least, i meant judgment vs. acceptance.

you know what's a funny concept? tolerance and acceptance. to pair with that. religion particularly in the departments of tolerance and acceptance. this summer, i've got quite a few amazing things ahead of me. we have "the list" which is of course, saved roughly on my computer and still waiting to just be put into action. but, aside from that, i looked at my summer and it seemed relatively normal. i'm attending the LEAD program at Steubenville (or God Camp as i've been referring to it) next week, and two weeks after that, i'm attending SHINE Catholic Work Camp, which i'm sure will be an amazing experience as well. but you know, i'm not really sure how i'm feeling about the whole "God Camp" experience. i've been trying to memorize bible verses for next week and i've been trying to get into a mindset that will prepare me for it, but i'm not entirely sure i AM prepared for it. religion has spent so much time drawing lines across society to create what should be tolerated, what should be accepted, what is unacceptable, and what is intolerable. but i mean, holy cow (ha..i'm punny on accident)..society is not the same as it was when religions and these lines were established. i've spent this year drawing up who i am as a person and figuring out where i personally draw the lines and i'm kind of afraid to go next week in fear that they will either a) subtly condemn me for my lines and convictions. or b) try to convince me that what i've spent over a year realizing and forming is all a joke. so, i'm kind of really nervous about next week. but, i guess it's less about what everyone else has to say to me, and more about whatever happens with me and the Big Guy Upstairs.

so, that's next week. want to know something else i don't like about next week? the lack of the people who are normally in my life. sure, it's good to go outside your box, and meet new people and do things that scare you. but, i don't know. i guess i've been squeezing all the honey and nectar of life out of my summer so far and next week is pale in comparison (at least from this end..don't be surprised if when i get back i absolutely loved it). but, with that squeezing of the nectar of life or whatever, i've gotten into a rhythm of seeing people (sometimes everyday) or just talking to people, and completely disconnecting myself from that world is a little bit too weird for my liking. but, then again, college is in the fall, and that's a somewhat disconnect. maybe this is just the excessive version of that..short term.

summer does weird things to lives. i find myself sitting in someone else's house (for the 4th day this week), while a 9 year old sleeps peacefully on the couch next to me and i am being paid NOT to sleep. nannying is one of those jobs you just aren't entirely sure why you decide to do it when you find yourself in yelling matches with 7 year olds because you won't give them a cookie, or laying at the pool trying to sunscreen your own back and talking to your best friend on the phone about how you are basically laying alone at the pool, or being threatened with knives, or being given silly bandz, or only God knows what else. when you wake up that last day of the week and feel like it is going to be the longest day so far, you are definitely nannying. it's one of those things you begin to question your sanity for choosing to be one. (and now..i have the "Nanny, Nanny, Rich Kid, Funny Dog" John Green song stuck in my head. NERDFIGHTERS, ftw.) but given, sometimes the children do endearing things and i remember why i choose this summer job over other ones.

summer also does other weird things. like, last night was weird. i found myself going to a friend's house so that she could aloe my back for me (funny, if you can't reach your back to sunscreen it, you can't reach your back to aloe the sunburn you get from it..oh life), and then we sat there and watched bones/avatar, and talked about who even knows what. after "shopping" through the shelves in her room for a good book to borrow, i departed her house in somewhat of a delirious state, a bandana tied around my forehead and believing i was a ninja. how does life top random things like that? however, when i said that was weird, i guess what i meant is, anyone who reads that might find that totally random and weird, but in my summer, it's totally acceptable and normal. i am reminded of last summer, my best friends then and our song, Chicken Fried. while the song itself may not be that quality (even though jamming to it in our cars TOTALLY was), it has its moments of pure brilliance, particularly in summer. "funny how it's the little things in life that mean the most, not where you live, what you drive or the price tag on your clothes, there's no dollar sign on a piece of mind this i've come to know." summer brilliance? i thought so. my little things can be laying on a blanket at starbucks with random people at random times, going to every park within a 10 minute radius of my house just to swing, sidewalk chalking people's drieways, staying up late to watch the vlogbrothers, driveway traps, spontaneous outings with spontaneous people, reaching delirium at any and all points of my day, and just spending time with people i love to spend time with. i just checked and apparently it's already my 17th day of summer, and while i could be sad that nothing on "the list" has happened yet, i can also be very happy that so many wonderful memories have already happened.

maybe it has nothing to do with the things you're doing, but rather the people you're doing them with. you might look back and remember the stupid things you did on random days, but you're more likely to remember the affect the people had on you, and the way your stomach nearly hurts with happiness from laughing until you cry. that content feeling you get way down to your toes when you are with people who mean a lot to you in ways that sometimes you can't even identify.

basically, i guess i'm trying to say that to me, THAT'S summer. and i have two and a half more months of it ahead of me and i am brimming with an abundance of excitement that is inexplicable. and yet, it doesn't matter much because i feel it doesn't need to be explained. it just kinda is.

off to read A Wrinkle in Time until the child wakes up...
I love summer. did i mention that? :)