Even if Just for a Moment.

I've had a terribly awful amount of emotional or pessimistic blog posts and I kind of want to change the pace a little bit. However, since I don't really know what all I want to say in this, we'll see if I can manage to maintain this.

A friend has told me, from what her mother has said, that the best way to stop worrying is to be grateful. And right now, gratitude is what I want to have the most; worrying will get me nowhere.

I have so incredibly much to be thankful for. I know that pretty much everyone goes through a spell where they're excessively grateful for the things of their life. Frequently, these spells occur after something horrific has happened to them, or after they have lost someone that they care about. People sometimes just list things that they are grateful for, or they just find gratefulness for one single thing or a few of them. However, I don't know what to say. The things which I have to be grateful for in my life overwhelm me. I don't need bad things to happen to me to realize all of the good things I have. I guess I just tend to take them for granted because I have convinced myself that I don't deserve good things.

My family is fantastic. I have been home for almost a month, and I got to see ALL of my immediate family. Both of my sisters, my brother, and my parents. While some of my family occasionally disappointed me, I'm sure I also occasionally disappointed them, too. The sacrifices that all of my family makes in order to BE a family amazes me. Not only that, but the amazing people that each of them are. They're all so funny and so motivated to do so much with their lives. Most of all, they're all really extremely wonderful people. Whether they hold the same beliefs as me, or choose to make similar life decisions to me doesn't really matter. My family has a beautiful way of helping to make me exactly who I am. Whether it be that I have subconsciously picked up their tendencies, like being interested in humor or music. Or if it is the fact that I decide to pursue religion and avoid drinking because of what my family has done in the past. It's a challenge to know exactly what you decide yourself and what your family has decided for you, but I know that my family has paved a decent path for me up to at least a certain point and, after that, I have been formed into a person that gets to make decisions that makes me the best person I can be.

I am grateful for the educations I have received. Both the high school that I got the opportunity to attend, and the wonderful college that I get to attend as well. In high school, I was grateful for all of the classes that I got to take, and the teachers that were passionate about what they were teaching. There were teachers there that inspired me to pursue a career in teaching even though sometimes I might fear that I would not be patient enough. But my past teachers and my passion for learning and for people has taught me that I can do these things and I can be excited about teaching simply because I have had teachers and classes that I loved. High school also gave me so many opportunities to figure out what I was good at and opportunities to show to people that I was actually good at things. Not that people doubted that I was good at things, but everyone deserves a chance to be really good at something. Everyone deserves the chance to be good at something, and with my random self esteem issues that I developed throughout high school (as every teenager does), all of my extra-curriculars and experiences in high school gave me the place to figure out at least in the smallest of ways who I was. Without knowing what I did about myself after leaving high school, I would never have been able to survive in college, or even be able to make decisions about what I might possibly want to do with the rest of my life. I am so thankful for education and all of the opportunities it has given me, and all of the things it has taught me both in life and about myself. I am grateful for college, but I'm not entirely sure why yet. And I think that's okay. It's only been a semester, and I am looking forward to figuring out why it is right for me and what it is doing for me and my life.

Then, I am grateful for change. Last week, and over the past few months, I have realized that not everyone in the world (I know this seems like an idiotic statement) is tolerant. People are so close-minded and so judgmental that it is literally destroying our society. [I wrote a blog about this a few ago..I think it's called Chemistry and Politics if you want to read it..] Some of the people that I used to hang out with were practically brainwashing me because I was friends with them. And yes, I know that I have the opportunity to make my own decisions but it's hard when the people who you care about want you to be a certain way and you never would want to let them down or stray from the spotlight of beliefs they shine down upon you. But after these people became less prevalent in my life, and I realized that I could step out of that spotlight and into the darkness of the unknown, I met people who are hanging out in the darkness as well. In the darkness, you can have your opinions without shining your light in the eyes of others. In the darkness, people can still be judgmental, but there is greater tolerance. It doesn't mean that our lights aren't as bright or that our lights have gone out, but that our lights get shone onto issues that actually matter. We get the opportunity to recharge our batteries and find new sources of electricity and learn to better understand people because we aren't so preoccupied with our own light. The thing is, I have changed over the past few years. I have made friends who are supportive of me finding my own light, and even if we might not always have exactly the same views, they let me have them. I am learning to see that I have a lot of light to offer to other people, but it's only worth having if I let other people have their own lights, too. I sincerely want to shine my light right now on tolerance. I am thankful that I have gotten the chance to change and see things in a different way, and I look forward to the change that is my future.

Of course, the thing that I am grateful for most often, but it is hardest for me to express the most is the gratitude I try to express for my friends. I rant on here sometimes about how I don't know why I am frequently so nice and why I choose to be such a good friend. Well, I am not grateful enough for my friends. The reason that I do all the things that I do for my friends is because they do a lot for me. Like, more than a lot. Even though I go out of my way to do particular things like delivering cookies or Starbucks or, I don't know what else, my friends do an excess of little things for me. They make CDs for me, sometimes text me just to tell me they miss me, they go out of their way to be sure that I know that they love me, or they simply just listen to me and understand me. They convince me that I deserve them, which, to acknowledge how much this is, is extremely not easy to do. Over the years I have spent a lot of time convincing myself that I don't deserve much of anything. But I am grateful for them because I do deserve them. I am grateful for them because they are in my life.

I am grateful for the fact that I have "people" people. There are people that come into our lives who teach us things and who, no matter how much might happen or all we might do to not really deserve them, life wants us to keep them. There are people that come in, and out, and then maybe back again, but we don't really get to keep them entirely. There are people that become a part of us and then leave. But I have people that have become a part of me and no matter the cards that life deals us, I have confidence that these people are a part of my life for as long as life allows. They teach me lessons every single day, and show me the worth that I have in my life. They have taught me that I have so much value and so much that I can offer in this world, and even if, maybe sometime I lose them, whether it be soon or whether it be much later, I know that my life is more beautiful because of them. My life is worth more because I got to share it with them, and I got to have them as a part of it. Even though I hate the whole "we'll be friends forever" thing, especially lately when it feels kind of tainted, I know that there are people in my life who are my kind of people. I don't have to try anything or be anything with them. They are simply my people. And, even though I'm grateful for them in the things I do, I want to be sure they know how grateful I am for them individually. I am grateful that they are grateful for me, and they give me purpose. When I feel lost, they find me.

These things that I am grateful for here give a bigger picture for what my life is.
But, for at least while I was writing this, I did not worry.
I filled with gratitude and filled with love for my life and for all that I have.
So, I must then be grateful for words.

Another horcrux made to be posted and forever lost to the internet.
Yet I am grateful.

Words of Water, my mouth is dry.

I need to apologize for all of the absurdity. Not really on here, and not that anyone in particular usually reads this, BUT, I've been pretty ridiculous and want people to know that, maybe it isn't really warranted but I think I'm coming to terms with it.

I should be writing essays for a scholarship program that I'm applying to, but to be honest, I don't feel much like talking about why I'm applying for the program, or addressing the talents that God has given me as an individual or what book I've read that has helped my faith to get better. I don't want to talk about an experience that challenged my faith, because it will probably make me cry trying to write it. I don't really want to write about how I would change the University of Dayton, or talk about why I love learning. But it's one of those things that I don't get much of a choice about. I don't get to tell them that I don't want to write these essays, unless of course I just don't want to apply for the program.

Ironically, I really really want to be accepted to this program. It's a way to deepen my faith and incorporate it into my academic life and meet other people who are as passionate as I am about religion and trying to build it into their life. BUT, I don't feel much like doing anything, because right now, I don't feel much like being anyone. I get tired of always trying to be a certain way. Even if it's just me being me, no "trying" necessary, just myself. It's still a challenge at times. Why is it all about acceptance of personalities and people approving of what we say and do, and basically, just who we choose to be? Like, WHATTHEHECK.
This is never what life was supposed to be about, and I'm not sure when it became this way.

I think sometimes I try too hard. And then when I reach a point where people will basically accept me no matter what I do, I go crazy. I rant about everything that goes on in my head, and I text them at all hours of the night and have emotional breakdowns (weekly, if necessary). I don't know how not to fully devote myself to people. I know that a lot of times, this can be a good thing. But other times, it's like a current that drags me under. And I'm left gasping for breath when it throws me back out, or when I struggle my way back to the top. Sometimes, people are left to resuscitate me. Not frequently, but it's happened. Shaking and crying in someone's arms, or over the phone, or to the point where nothing matters anymore. People pick me up.

But it comes back to..would they pick me up if I hadn't put in the effort in the first place? I give a lot of myself, but would people still be there for me if I hadn't initiated it? Would everything still turn out the way it did if I didn't try so hard?

I know it shouldn't really matter because this is who I am and being me is complicated but worthwhile and my life is excessively beautiful and wonderful and all of that jazz, but, there's always the "but." Every good thing where I say "oh something is actually really [insert wonderfulness]..." is typically followed by a "but" and then something negative.

I love positivity, but for being positive, I thoroughly enjoy negativism.
Also, I've come to the realization I'm an emotional masochist. Oddly enough, my friends already knew that. Like, when one of them suggested the reason that I was doing something was "because I was a masochist" I promptly looked up the particular definition of masochism and realized that I might in fact be one. I expressed this to one of my friends and she responded "well, yes, you definitely are an emotional masochist, but it's okay."

I listen to sad songs on repeat, I text myself into situations that are extremely hard to get out of and draw me in emotionally, I let myself miss people a little too much, I tend to be negative on myself even when I know better (I will preface statements with "I know this is totally ridiculous but I'm going to say it anyways" or, "I know this will make you want to slap me.." or "Well, this might not be entirely true but it's how I feel" kind of statements). I couldn't tell you why I do these things. Only that I've done them for about as long as I can remember. Does this mean something is wrong with me? Like maybe I really do actually have a legitimate problem.

I just overflow.

This is some of the overflow, in case you didn't guess. I just astound myself, because even though I feel as if I am constantly overflowing, overflowing with everything I want to give to other people, I leave almost nothing with myself.

I apologized for the absurdity at the beginning, but frankly, that was a dumb thing to do. Because this blog is full of what I am referring to as "the absurdity" and it is full of me. It is full of everything that I don't know if I can say. It's full of everything that bypasses my mouth and flows out of my fingers when I become so tired and tense; these things have filled me and they need somewhere to be poured.

Why am I even apologizing? The only people who probably read this will be the ones who I ask to read this, because inevitably, I will need affirmation. I can't write this just for it to be written. It's not so much that I need someone to affirm me that it's good or that I exist, but I like to be affirmed that maybe what I'm saying isn't crazy.

And even if it is crazy, I want them to know what I'm feeling, how I'm feeling it, and maybe understand me just that much better.

I honestly don't remember what my point was.

You know what's hard? The fact that people are always shared. I mean, okay, start over. I'm not a greedy person. I'm not a slave-driver either, and don't really believe a person should be owned or unshared or anything. Because, usually, I think as soon as I meet someone awesome who tops my friends' chart, I want to share them with everyone. However, sometimes, it'd be nice if we could just steal people out of life and leave our lives with that person and get to know them, and I mean, really get to know them. It would be so utterly fantastic, because I love people. If you've read my blog at all, or even if you know me at all, you probably understand how passionate I am about people. It's almost a little bit of a disease, but what the heck, I am a little bit diseased, and I think I might like it, which I imagine is a little part of the disease, itself.

Well, all of that was a little bit ranty and a little bit crazy, and a little bit pessimistic and maybe it didn't make any sense. I'm not quite ready to read it yet.

This is usually the point where I go into my headspace and take all of the terribly ranted things that I said and make sense of them. This is the point where I usually would bring all of my craziness back together, give explanation for all of my emotions, and solve all of my own problems that have been hanging over my head. This is where I would attribute something to my brilliant best friend (who knows more about me than anyone ever has, and I'm not sure if it's because she listens to more of all of this than anyone else, or if she actually has taken the time) and then discuss the thing she stated to me and rip it apart and analyze it until everyone including myself could understand it. This is usually where I would write some dramatic ending and make everyone that reads this think that this blog post was not a total waste of space and thoughts produced by me. This is the point where many good things would potentially occur.

But I'm dry. I don't have the same headspace right now, and I don't have anything with which to make sense of all of that blog. I don't have any excuses to explain my emotions. I don't have any dramatic ending or convincing for why this isn't a colossal waste of space and time.

But I do have this. I have words spoken by my best friend. I have some of those, but I don't want to rip them apart.
Me: You always have so much faith in me.
Her: Not hard to.

I want that. I want to have faith in myself the way other people can.
I want to be good enough for me, and I know that's up to me.

Sorry for all of this.
"Live, and let live."