It's been about a month since I've tried to express my emotions via blog. The past month has been a crazy ride and I can't even begin to express how much I have loved every second of it. And as I'm sitting at work right now listening to a CD that an awesome friend made for me and dancing a little bit, life just feels like it fits right now! So what better time to blog?
[Insert cliched statement about not knowing where to even start.] I guess the biggest thing that happened in the past month was Lighthouse. And man, it was really not just a thing, it was a beautiful wonderful absolutely glorious gift from God! Trying to explain lighthouse in any amount of words just won't do. I even wrote a song, and it doesn't begin to express how awesome of an experience I thought it was.
"We didn't know we'd need a light, we didn't know that love would be our light."
Lighthouse just has a way of literally being just what I need whenever I need it. When I need to see God in my life, the lighthousers just come to me and I can see God in each and every one of their faces. When I feel sad and don't feel like anything is going to get any better, Lighthouse has a way of shining its light into all of the dark places in my life and giving me an inexplicable and impenetrable hope. The community that we built isn't something that is normal; we email each other to ask for prayers or share stupid stories, we laugh about things that probably wouldn't be funny to anyone else, we hug and use tunnel talk probably a little too much (what can I say, I definitely don't hate it!), and we just love a lot bigger than I think society is typically used to. Lighthouse has this way of being much more than any individual involved in it ever set out to make it. Together, each of us is so much already, but as a large unit, we are so much more than I could ever express. I look forward to the continuing effects that Lighthouse will have on my life and the lives of all of my friends that I made on Lighthouse. I look forward to the effects it will have on all of my friends that I convince to go on the retreat in the future, and I look forward to the stream of love that will continue to flow probably forever.
"We had each other, that was enough. We'd have each other now when storms get rough."
Along with that, I have been finding more purpose and value for my life. Not to continually talk about Lighthouse, but during a few of the talks, there were parts where those talking shared about people they had lost who were close to them. And, sitting there, I realized that it was an absolute crime how poorly I value myself. Not just because I deserve a lot of credit and love for exactly who I am, but because I make a difference to peoples' lives!
"cause in the end we have each other, and that's at least one thing worth living for"
People deserve to have me in their lives because I have something unique to offer to every single person I come in contact with. And I deserve to love and be loved back because God made me just the way I was meant to be. And everything that I have been struggling with and going through is just a testament to how beautiful life really is. The more you feel, whether they are good feelings or bad feelings, it just means that you are that much more alive. And nothing could be more beautiful than our lives through Christ.
So, since Lighthouse was so long ago but still so large in my mind, it seems kind of unbelieveable that other things actually happened between now and then. I have been busy as ever. This is the first week SINCE lighthouse that I have not had a huge assignment (or two, or three, or seven) of some sort due. School has been biting at my ankles, and for the first like, 2 weeks or so after lighthouse, I almost went crazy. If I had not had the constant emails and support from my new lighthousers, I fear that I might've gone insane in those weeks. I had one week in particular that I almost reverted back to how I had felt this summer, and if you know anything about that, you know that would NOT be a good thing. But, from a few life-chats with two of my best friends with twin names, I powered through that awful week.
"God gave me you for the ups and downs. God gave me you for the days of doubt."
I guess this just brings me to one of my next points. I could not be more thankful for my friends. I have grown closer to a person this semester that I literally feel like is my soul sister, and she has reminded me that the love that I have to give to people is abounding and unique and makes every day worthwhile. When I'm with her, it feels like my chest is going to burst apart from all of the love that is overflowing from my heart. It's kind of excessively beautiful.
And through all of these things, largely dark, the light has been shining. Whether this light comes in the form of swearing with an irish friend in the galley, watching SNL with some freshmen that I love in my common room, stopping by the VWK desk to visit and the person I'm visiting chokes on their spit because they're so excited to see me, hanging out with some campus south girls and watching proposal videos, having dinner dates with exceptional people, playing the songs I've written for people who really want to hear them, laughing until I cry with my roommates, wearing glittens for the sole purpose of hand-holding, getting a LH email that makes me smile so big that I can't stop for at least a good 20 minutes, hugs that feel like they're going to crack my ribs but they do crack my sadness in half, or just the light that I see from the joy and absolute love that has been surrounding me.
I guess the thing that is most important to me is, I don't really feel like my life will ever be as dark again. And even when it might be, I will have hope for the light to come. Because it's never that the light goes away, but rather, that I've just been choosing not to see it.
"I'm not living without hope, you can't tell me that I'm wrong, traded places with the person that I thought I was before. You can't tell me that I'm wrong, just as long as I survive,
It's a good day to be alive."
And for some reason,
I think it will be impossible not to see that light from now on.
