Dear Blog, it's been entirely too long since I've used you.
However, I'm not entirely sure why I haven't been using you. I've been bursting with a lot of different things that I have wanted to say, and yet, I usually just pick up the phone and call someone to talk, either that or I find the first available person I can trust here and spill my guts. Being at college is one of the weirdest most wonderful and odd things I have ever experienced in my entire life. I spend half of every day wondering if I'm ever going to adjust to things or if the next four years are just unknowns spilling out onto the floor at my feet every morning when I open my closet to prepare for my day. It's like all the things I packed into my life in the past 18 years are now a part of my life still, but in the past 3 months I have gained so much entirely more than I could have ever thought that I could in JUST 3 months. I have learned lessons and felt lessened. I have become stronger in some areas, and allowed myself to be weaker in other areas. It's kind of fantastically terrifying but I couldn't ask for anything different. Even though sometimes I'd just rather be at home than be here, I know that this is the right school for me and that I would not belong anywhere else as well as I belong here.
I think the biggest shock to my system is that I have come to the realization that I may never really meet someone as much like me as most people can. I mean, okay, every human person is unique and you will never meet someone exactly like you. I can understand that to the fullest sense, however, sometimes it's hard because the way that I am makes me want in return what I give to people. I have this problem where no matter how much I lower expectations for other people (not all people, just certain people who are minimally in my life anyways) it comes back that what I want from them is not always something they can give to me. I give of myself a lot and just simply desire that people give some back in return. It's hard to imagine that I should have to give up what I want when I give so much of myself because a) it's part of simply who I am and b) sometimes it's hard to give so much of yourself when you're not getting anything in return. I give a lot, and sometimes, it wears me out.
And now, don't get me wrong, I don't want anyone who happens to read this to think that the friends I have made at school are terrible people or that I hate all of them because that is not the case at all. My friends here at school are honestly fantastic. I don't know what I would do without them, and I am so thankful that each and every one of them is in my life. But sometimes, it's just hard because I really have only known them for a little bit over 3 or 4 months. And that's not enough time to be able to really know someone well (unless you put in an excess amount of time trying to figure the person out..which un/fortunately, is something I do pretty naturally). Some days I just get frustrated because I wish that I had someone who already knew all of my history. I wish I had someone here where I didn't have to explain why I feel a certain way because they would just understand without me needing to explain. The process of living with people and trying to get to know them at the same time pushes limits of friendships at a new extreme and it makes it a challenge to even be able to live with them at times. Some days you just want to be able to lay on a couch and watch television on a normal television screen. Or you'd like to just get in your car and drive for a little while to blow off some steam. Or drive to starbucks to get a "christmas in a cup" for you and deliver one to a friend as well. Or when things don't feel right, you don't have to explain to anyone why they don't, you can just go to that one person who knows before you say anything and gives you a hug. It's not the fault of anyone here, because they are all doing just great as it is under the circumstances (I truly do love my Dayton friends), but sometimes, I just get homesick. There's certain things that even subconsciously you get used to having over the course of 4 years, ,or 7 years, or even 18 years. Being here has taught me so much about the past 18 years of my life and taught me what I appreciate and need in life.
I have never felt so appreciative of the people in my life. Being here has shown me that the reason that I have always been able to put so much into friendships and relationships is because people put it back into me and into my life. I know that I would not be half of the person that I am today, the person that I get to be proud of each and every day if I had not encountered every single person that has been in my life over the last 18 years. Being here has given me the chance to understand and appreciate my parents to an extreme that I never thought that I could. And I'm sure that as time goes on, I am only going to learn to appreciate them more. Also, my siblings. While I might not be very close with my siblings, I know that they have helped me become the person that I am today. With how motivated and at least relatively supportive they have been of me over the past 18 years is kind of amazing. Maybe sometimes I got ridiculed by them, but it only made me stronger and learn better how to be a member of a group of people, and deal with "adversity" that may pop up in my life. Then my friends. Like I said, I would not be able to give so much of myself if people did not give back to me. Over the years, I have had the greatest group of friends, and even if they left and I happened to lose them, they have touched my life over the years in impeccable ways that never cease to astound me. During high school, I started to learn how to appreciate my friends more and how to build friendships that are two ended and not just me giving of myself. While I give so much of myself, and I have created so many "horcruxes" just by giving people pieces of myself, I know that so many parts of me are parts of other people that have been given to me to shape me and create me into the Julie I am today.
So, if nothing else, college has taught me to be appreciative. I know for a fact that it's doing more than just that, but that is the thing that stands out the most to me. I get homesick a lot, and I think it's largely just because I am so appreciative for the people in my life. However, even though I've been 'homesick' so to speak, I have also come to find this as my home.
I am torn. I belong to two entirely different worlds. Yet at this point, I'm not sure I would want it to be any other way because I belong in both worlds.
So, I guess that's been college for me so far.
It's a whole new world here, and no, I won't dare close my eyes. :)
