I'm not entirely sure I know.

Tonight, I was talking to my roommate about what my life used to be like. And you know, I'm not entirely sure that it's written all over my face like I usually feel like it is. I mean, yes my past comprises exactly who I am now, however, it's not spread out in front of me. It's not like it's the road laid out ahead of me that people have to venture on to reach me. It's out behind me. And to be honest, no one really should walk on the roads behind them. Sometimes you can turn around and see the roads behind you, appreciate the beautiful and the tragic landmarks, but never travel back to them. But, sometimes I tell people things about my life, and they seem shocked. Like, maybe it isn't ridiculously apparent the things that I have been through. And even though I don't always feel like it was a good thing, maybe it was a blessing that all of those things happened to me. Maybe it's a blessing I get to keep it as part of me, even when people don't know. It's like my own terribly beautiful secret.

I want to say more but it's like 2 in the morning and all of my thoughts are all jumbled together and I can't get a single one out on its own. Maybe I will try again tomorrow.

Am I homesick?

This question haunts me every time that I talk to someone who is at home and asks me if I am. I usually say no, because according to everything I have heard about being homesick, I don't think I quite fit the agenda of this. However I may, in fact, be peoplesick. As my best friend coined the term, it seemed kind of fitting for how I feel about being here at school.

No, I don't love it yet. When I was here this summer, it felt more like something I was going to love. People talk about going to college or how they've been to college and how they already love it, and I guess at least a part of me hoped to be totally in love with it. And given, I have reached a point where I am really happy. I really do like it here, but I definitely do not love it yet. I've been trying to get involved in things, and make random new friends and do random lovable things here that might make me love it. But I don't yet. I also then remember that I haven't even been here a month yet, so I shouldn't be too hard on my feelings yet for it only having been a month.

I think what is making it the hardest about being away, besides not seeing my best friends, is all of the little things about my friendships and my life there that I miss. Like late at night when all I want is a handful of shredded cheese and I can't just go to my fridge to get some. Or being able to jump in my car and just drive to whoever needs me or being able to go to a swingset that is visible from my house. Things like going to choir on Tuesday mornings and getting picked up by Jess Hess. Hugging people when I feel like it. My coloring books. Proofreading Cecelia's papers for her infamous run-on sentences and amazing thoughts. Laughing until I cry with my best friends, rather than wanting to cry when I remember that I don't have them. Driving a giant cupcake to an anti-prom party. My love generations--my diamond. Chai lattes, and Hogsmeade. Megatron. Laying my head on my best friend's shoulder and watching BONES. The way my dad always fixed my computer when I messed it up, or my mom made me dinner. Working out with the musical kids, doing 16s. I miss the choir hallway. I miss the band hallway, and marching. I miss the mellophone family, and being their mother. I miss my parents. I miss sidewalk chalking peoples' driveways. My mix CDs from my car..and the list could go on for quite awhile. I literally miss so many things, and half of them, I don't even know why I do. I just want to be home for a little bit so I can soak a lot of those things in again. When I was there before I had been somewhere else for an extended amount of time, I didn't fully appreciate the little things. I didn't even fully appreciate the way that my friends are such amazing and supportive people who love me for exactly who I am. I need to be able to come back and soak all of that in again..with a new perspective. Just for a few days. Then, I think I will be able to love here more fully.

True Life College Confession: I love North Canton.
True Life College Confession 2: I really like Dayton, and I like making friends. I also really like having morals and being the person that I am. Being here has taught me that I really am content with who I am and what I do. So, thanks college.