Nothing I could possibly say would express how I am feeling.
I am going to write these snippets of thoughts I'm having that are generally directed at some people without using their names, and it might not seem like a very coherent blog post, but it will be the best way for me to get past the muddled thoughts I'm having and maybe be able to do my homework:
1. I'm supposed to be able to adjust faster than this. I wish I wasn't so incredibly bad at transitioning. Obviously, being back here now is easier than it ever was when I was a freshman. It's easier in some ways, but I'm a totally different person now. I can't just expect that all of this will be super easy just because it's my second year. However, maybe that's my problem. I am expecting it to be. I should only expect it to be something different..and that doesn't mean easy.
It just means different.
2. I can't believe how old you are. Obviously, if you're reading this, I may or may not be talking about you, but I don't feel like specifying this. Two of my best friends, specifically, are old. They're still the same age in relation to me that they always were, but they're upperclassmen in high school and they're doing big things with their lives. They're doing all the big things that I did when we were becoming friends, and it's so weird to think about how old you are, and feel like I've missed so much of it. But, I guess that doesn't matter all that much. I just can't stop thinking about all of the amazing things you're going to do the even older that you both get. It blows my mind.
3. I miss you. I don't want to miss you because I'm supposed to be used to missing you, but I'm not. I don't think I ever really will be because you fill a spot in my life that nobody else fills the same way. It's not a big spot, but it's close to my heart, and I am reminded of it often. And I am also so proud of you. I am so excited for all of the things that you are doing at your new school and with your potential future. I probably love you too much, but I think that's just real friendship: letting ourselves love too much.
4. I tried so hard not to become this person here, but the thing is, the situation isn't a circumstances or location thing. It's a matter of me being honest with who I actually am and I need to do that because I'm not sure that I ever really have up until this summer.
5. Thank you. You care for me in a way that I have never felt like I have deserved, and you love me more than I ever thought someone who I have been friends with for such a short amount of time could. All of you. You girls are my sisters and my mothers and grandmothers and whatever term of familial involvement you are, and you make me feel more at home than almost anything else in my life ever has.
6. I just want to be able to tell everyone who has just started college that your fears and homesickness and whatever else you might be feeling is completely normal and okay and beautiful. Starting college is really hard and people often discredit the emotions involved with it. Give yourselves patience and keep your eyes open for people who will be honest to you with who they are and genuinely want you for exactly who you are. And please remain honest with who you are, each of you has such a wonderful and unique thing to offer to the world, and I would never want to see that lost.
7. Things are different. It's hard for me to admit that things are different because I am always a rebel against change. Our friendships aren't the same, and if you took even two minutes to stop and ask how I was actually doing, you would see that I am not the person that I was when we were friends last year. You would see that the things you say to me sometimes really hurt, and you would see that I can't be friends with you in the same way that I was before, and even that is really hard for me. But I'm not trying to say it's your fault..I'm just trying to put it out there. Writing it in here probably does very little, because the likelihood of you even reading it or knowing it's about you is minimal.
8. I can't always be what you need me to be for you. For the first time in my life, I am being what I need to be for me.
9. I am torn between whether to go on More to Life or Lighthouse. Both of them, according to their descriptions online, would fit my life right now. Both of them have been advocated to me by people who have attended them and led them. But I need to make the decision for myself, and that's hard, too. I'm always afraid of making the "wrong" decision in situations like this. Even though I also know there really is no wrong decision.
10. Maybe I should do my homework now.
And, I'm not sure this blog post was really intended to benefit anyone else, although it'd be nice for you if it does. However, I think I just really needed to say these things.
