I'll never need more than this.

Sometimes, I believe lyricists to be the most brilliant and emotional people to exist in the world.

I think something that is absolutely essential to know about me is the fact that I obsess about songs. Not like, I obsess about the actual songs, but every time I find a new song that I fall in love with, I listen to it for about two weeks straight. I don't listen to the radio, and I don't really listen to the kind of music everyone else listens to. Not that I don't enjoy the same kinds of music, but I mean, I'll discover a song, and just listen to it for weeks at a time. Then, when I tire of it, I find a new song and listen to that for weeks a time. And honestly, I think this is one of the most innocent and pure ways to fall in love with music. Because, when you listen to the songs over and over again, you fall in love with every part of them. The way a certain instrumental part sounds, or the way voices might blend together, or the complexity of emotions wrapped in part of the lyrics. The order of how lyrics fall in a song to make a story that is that song, or the way a song can mean nothing to you one time that you listen to it, and mean everything to you when you're in a different mood. Or how different lines in songs just scream out to you sometimes.

So, I've always been this way with music. For as long as I can remember and for as long as youtube has possessed my emotions in different song addictions I have experienced. But this summer, I've been addicted to a song for longer than I can explain, and longer than I normally like to be addicted. Several weeks ago, at the very beginning of July, I was introduced to the song "More Than This" by Vanessa Carlton. And frankly, I'm obsessed with it. Everytime I think about listening to it, it gets stuck in my head and I think about my favorite lyrics and how it connects with my emotions. And every time I actually do get to listen to it (which is really too frequented..it's AT LEAST everytime I'm on my computer.), I get all of "those things" about music. The lyrics, the instrumental, the voices, the story, the complexity of emotions, the lines that speak. I get all of these from this song. And alright, maybe I know it's not a super really fantastic song. Like, people might listen to it and think it's pretty, or really good but it's not one of those songs that people listen to and say WOW THAT SONG IS AMAZING. I think honestly, you have to listen to this song repeatedly before you begin to feel about it the way that I do. But, I think that's the way I am as a person, too, which is why I can connect to this so well. You have to look at me and spend time with me repeatedly to begin to really know me and appreciate me. Being my friend, like truly being my friend, is like being addicted to a song. Not that I'm saying I want people to be addicted to me (not saying that at ALL actually), I'm just saying, I want people who are my friends to want to be around me, to want to always learn more about me, and not say they know everything. I want people to view my complexities and want to understand them, and when they can't, just to appreciate them. To appreciate all the things about me that I might not even notice.

More Than This has, therefore, has become a really big part of my summer. I listen to it all the time, and I want to put the lyrics in here and explain why I love them so much. The lyrics in this song probably kill me more than anything else about the song, so it seems appropriate that I address them.

Cradling stones hold fire bright
As crickets call out to the moonlight
As you lean in to steal a kiss
I'll never need more than this

Don't those lyrics just slay you? Okay, maybe not. But for me, they just rip my heart out and lay it on the table for me to look at. The first verse sets up the fact that the person singing the song has such beautiful things laying out in her life in front of her, and she's finally realizing how awesome all of it is. The moment that you realize that in your life, honestly, nothing will ever feel the same. I think that life is so underappreciated. The things that we have in our lives that we take for granted. Whenever I listen to this, I think about how wonderful my life feels right now (and even all the wonderful things that are held in my future that I don't even know about). And I realize that this is what life is about. If you are out there living life to the fullest, you really never will need more than what you have right when you have it. And that's..ridiculously awesome. This summer, I think I've learned what it feels like to be really appreciated, and what it feels like to really appreciate life back. Probably one of the reasons this has been one of the best summers of my life.

We all share the pain of our histories
But the ache goes away if you could see
This night under stars, well, I call it peace
If you say, I'll never need more than this

I think I love this verse. For me personally, it's addressing the fact that maybe we have a lot that's gone on in our pasts that makes it hard to live in the present. We write off ourselves as a figment of all of our past experiences, and therefore cannot really appreciate the RIGHT NOW. But, as the lyrics address, the ache goes away if we're willing to let ourselves believe that it does..then it actually does And, again, it states that you can feel peace, if only you choose to say you don't need any thing more. If you choose to believe that life is perfect to appreciate the way it is right in the moment. Baaah so awesome.

The trees grow so thick
You can barely see through
But the forest bestows the simplest of truths
You think you'll be happy if granted one more wish
But the truth is you'll never need more,
You'll never need more
You'll never need more than this

SO GOOD. SLAYING ME. You'll have to forgive me because I'm addicted to this song, and have listened to it..an ungodly number of times, but actually really trying to explain why I love the lyrics so much is making me love it even more. VC is busting out some major metaphor here. Our lives are the forest! And I think this is just going back to the whole thing. I mean, the trees growing thick is just like, when we lose sight of our wants and our needs and our desires and we forget how to live. It's those days when you feel like giving up (or those weeks, months, years..you get the picture). And we're always looking for something else. We forget how to look in our lives and appreciate it..so we look elsewhere. BUT THE TRUTH IS, you'll never need more than what you have right in front of you. And how simple is that? But we always forget it. And that's nearly heart-shattering when you think about it. This song addresses that..and I think that's part of the reason I can't get over my obsession with it. Because life is utterly beautiful. Like, entirely.

Want so much in this life,
There's so much to be
We sail through our youth so impatiently
Until we see
That the years move along
And soldiers and heroes come home
And they carry a song

Seriously, I just love every part of this song. And this part really strikes me as I leave for college in about 20 days. It's talking about how we keep looking for more. We keep thinking about all the things we can be, and we forget how young we are and how much we already ARE. It's always about what we're becoming, but we forget that we already ARE something. And I love the part about carrying a song. Because, I think we each carry our own songs. As we travel to new places, we take that song with us. We introduce our song to the new people we meet. We change our song with the change of places, but it's still ours. And if people have taken the time to get to know us, no matter how much our songs might change, you can still recognize the song as that certain person's.

Don't live in forgotten times
May this always remind you
Of the sea under the skies blue looking glass
Let's make this our story, let's live in the glory
Time, it fades away,
Precious as a song
Cause someday we'll be gone

Again, with appreciating the moment, and looking towards what is, and what can be if we appreciate life for what it is. "The sea under the skies blue" I LOVE THAT. It's like when you look out over the water of the ocean and there is no end in sight. You have to appreciate right where you are standing rather than thinking about the side that you cannot see. Let's make this our story, let's live in the glory. Time fades away precious as a song, cause someday we'll be gone. Everyday is your story, and if you bask in each day, then it will be glorious. Time continues on, and if you don't appreciate it, like you want your songs and your life to be appreciated..then you'll be gone and your existence will have been futile. It's just so good these lyrics. They kill me.

Cradling stones hold fire bright
As we watch the glow of the morning light
Someday our bones here they will lie, and so we sing

As the years move along and soldiers and heroes come home
And they carry a song
Let's make this our story,
Let's live in the glory
Time, it fades away,
Precious as a song
Cause someday we'll be gone

I just love the bit about our bones, here they will lie. OUR BONES WILL LIE HERE SOMEDAY, BUT RIGHT NOW WE JUST NEED TO SING. Our songs, to each other. We have to establish ourselves and appreciate life, or what's the point? And I just love that it ends with "Cause someday we'll be gone." It's not saying that our lives are pointless because someday we'll be gone, but I mean, if we dont live life to the fullest and appreciate all of this, then really, what is the point of our lives? What difference can we make if we don't let ourselves be appreicated, and take the chances life has?

I know I said a lot of the same stuff over and over when I was talking about those lyrics, but I mean, really. My obsession with this song is warranted. Particularly now, this summer, as I head off to college all too soon. It's almost like, I need to suck all the juice and nectar out of life right here right now because I'm going to go off and get a new version of my song. But part of my song will always lie here, in North Canton, with the people I care about and the people who have figured out how to appreciate me.

I'm not really sure what the purpose of this was. If I was trying to tell you you should listen to that song, or if I was just trying to say that music is more complex. Or even, if I'm trying to say that I'm more complex than most people are willing to look into.

I just want people to know that I appreciate them. I want people to know that I appreciate life. I want people to know that I love being happy, and that I love dumb things that I'll never really be able to explain. (Like, my love for this song has not even moderately been expressed to you. Please give it a listen after/while you read this..)

But, if you glean anything from this, and from this song, it would be that life is really precious. Like, even learning to appreciate life in a little tiny simple way makes you that much more equipped for life. Oh, and learn your song, be proud to sing it. Be prepared for it to change, but still be willing to sing it as it changes.

I think, I'm ready for my song to change.
But I hope that everyone who knows it already will still know it when I come back and sing it.

From way up there, You and I.

I don't know what I want. I think I've spent such a long time telling myself that I knew what I want that a few years ago, when I realized that I didn't know what I wanted, I still tried to pretend that I did. But, as time has gone on, I've stopped trying to pretend that I know, because frankly, does anyone really know?

People do things, and say that they know what they want. But, one day, you might know, and then the next, you might want something entirely different and you will be thrown into a chaos of not knowing.

Not knowing where you're going, not really knowing the depths of where you've been. Not knowing who you are, who you were, or who you're becoming. Only that you are. Not knowing what's going to happen. Not knowing when you're going to fall in love. Not knowing who will stay in your life. Not always knowing who you've already lost from your life. Not knowing who will come into your life. Not knowing what riches your future holds. Not knowing what tragedies it holds as well.
Not knowing, and for once, truly letting yourself not know.

I think if I've learned anything this summer, the biggest would be that I don't know...and that's okay.
I've learned how to make friends, how to hopefully keep friends, that my future holds great things, but it also holds struggles. I've learned that everything from my past is a part of my present, and therefore, a key to my future. But it's not a matter of dragging them behind me, or locking them up somewhere inside of me, but acknowledging them, and letting them come along with me in whatever way they may. I've learned that sometimes we have to let go of people for reasons that we cannot understand until long after we let go. I've learned that college can be whatever you want to make it, and it is full of possibilities. I've learned that being overly critical of yourself really gets you nowhere good. I've learned that the hardest people for me to appreciate are the people who appreciate me the most. I've learned that we all have separate people that we are in the summer. In a school year, it's not that weird for someone to change over the course of a month, or two months, or three; but in the summer people change and it feels like absurdity to us. But it happens. We all have slightly different personalities we run to in the summer, because they're unacceptable to be those people in the school year. I've learned that needing people can be beneficial. I've learned that each person has something different to offer each of us in a different way. I've learned that people are just waiting to get to be knowed. All we have to do is start to know them. I've learned that sidewalk chalk is an extremely simple form of happiness that I can pass on. I've learned that I have a lot to offer the world, no matter how much I might forget it or deny it. I've learned that sometimes, no matter how much I want to talk, listening is valuable beyond anything I could ever say. I've learned that hurt can be growth, not always backtracking. I've learned that I am good, beautiful and beloved. I've learned that I love my faith, and I'm not much without it. I've learned that I'm overly passionate about people, and it's an extremely huge part of who I am. I've learned that friendship is not about one defining moment, but rather the moment when you look back and say "I don't remember when, or how, or why we became friends..I just know now that we are." I've learned that music is soothing to my soul, and crying is therapeutic..and I rarely cry because I don't need to so much anymore. I've realized that happiness is a gift. Both one we give, and one we have to receive. If you don't have a delicate balance of both giving and receiving, happiness of any sort is futile. I've learned that sometimes holding on is useless, because when we look back to what we've been holding onto, there's nothing there anymore anyways. I've learned that people cannot be held responsible for their actions when emotions come cutting through. I've learned that being a child means learning how to parent your parents. I've learned that it's okay to miss people, and we should miss people in their own separate ways.
I've learned that no matter what I say, or do, or change from each day to the next, that I'll be okay.
I've learned that I really don't know, and maybe that really is okay.

"So I will help you read those books,
if you will soothe my worried looks,
and we will put the lonesome on the shelf."

Friends are the crayons of life..

EXCESS EMOTIONS. I HAVE SO MANY AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM.

And since this is usually a pretty good outlet for me, I thought I'd see what it could do for me once again.

Why do people have to be so perfect for me? Like, I don't understand how I can go my entire life having people that I think are my best friends, and now, I'm here 18 years later, and I have people who really truly understand me. Like it's not a matter of me ever having to pretend to be anything that I'm not, I can just be fully and totally me and I love that. And sometimes they might get a little annoyed but most of the time, they just seem to find my eccentricities endearing and I'm not really sure what that means. I don't even know what I'm saying. Let me start over.

Hi. I'm Julie. I've never really liked the term "best friend". It seems to hyperbolized and excessive when a person spends their life having so many friends. It really only means really awesomely amazing friend, but I kind of wish we could just have different adjectives in front of friend to describe our friendships. Like, you wouldn't have to have a best friend or several best friends because you could have a compassionate friend, and a loving friend, and an understanding friend, and each one would get a word, and each one would have a different word because every person and every friendship is different. There's no bests because each person is needed for different things. Because, gosh darnit, that's what friendship actually is. It's like this giant picture that you draw your entire life. And each person comes in with their different crayons and draws a part of your picture. And sometimes, the things people draw will be similar to something someone else drew, but you will always know the difference, even if it is just a matter of the color the person owned and used.

My life is so freaking colorful, especially lately, and going to college is really hard to deal with I guess. But i'm excited, I was there this weekend and fell in love with the campus and the opportunities i will have starting in the fall and all of the awesome people I've already met and will be meeting. It's amazing, and I am so dang excited. I don't know what I'm saying. I started this blog awhile ago, and now I'm trying to finish it and I'm not having the same thought process.

Basically, it's weird going to college and getting new friends and starting all over. But people come in with their colors, and I think i just have to be more willing to let them color their pictures into mine, and let MY color be eminent as well. No one's colors have to go over mine, they can just coincide with mine. Because if they're meant to be in my life and be my friends, their colors will match mine even if it's a weird combination, or something people aren't accustomed to.

And the friends I have here and have in my life already? If I want to keep their colors across my pictures, it's perfectly plausible. I want to keep them, because right now my life is so colorful, and gosh, i love crayons, especially the ones my friends own.

Sorry that this whole post is somewhat ranty, slash, not coherent?
We'll try again in a little while, and I may rant about Dayton and how excited I am.

How many God Camps are you going to this summer?!

It's been several weeks since I have written here, and to be honest, I'm not really sure where to start. I've only been home for about maybe a 1/3 of the time since I last blogged, and a LOT has happened in both being home and being away. I guess I'll start from the most recent and work my way backwards.

The usual summer happenings include the Midnight Driveway Trap (or approximately 10:30 or 11 o'clock trap) and discovering things about myself. The latest discovery was that I'm a ninja nerd. And no, this does not mean that I am a nerd about ninjas, or that I am a ninja who just happens to be a nerd. It actually means that my nerdiness is subtle and comes when you least expect it. My nerdiness is a ninja. It's not really that valuable to know, I suppose. But it fascinated me a little bit. The way that I am a nerd is never really outwardly apparent, even to me. Yet I do know for a fact that I am a nerd. [like when I find my old box of Pokemon, Digimon, and Yu-Gi-Oh cards in my closet and am SUPER excited about them..] It's quite stellar.

On other notes, the summer also has included Hogsmeade, sidewalkchalking peoples' driveways about mavericks or young giraffes, and then naturally, grad parties. I've developed a system for grad parties. You show up, you say hello to whoever's party it is, depending on how many people they have to mingle with, you may stand and visit with them for a little bit. Let them offer you food, and say you'll take a look in a bit. After they go off to mingle with others, you venture and find their shrines of themselves. You peer at the shrines for awhile, looking through all of the pictures, and you choose your "favorite (insert name of whoever's party it is)" picture. after you carefully observe and pick, you are probably done observing the shrine, and can venture to food. when you go to food, you survey ALL of the food before taking any, and only take whatever is your FAVORITE of the food, there. Unless of course, they have cheesy potatoes, in which case you must take some. after getting food, you find the people you know at the party, sit and mingle with them for x amount of time, and then you find the person, say your goodbyes and venture onward to the next party or homeward. That is my general layout for grad parties. Speaking of, my party is this Saturday. I wish I could be excited, but I still have to make MY shrine, and clean. Such excessive amounts of cleaning.

But alas, so that's right now, but the past two..or..no, three weeks have been astoundingly all over the place. Last week, I was in Hawthorne, New Jersey for Mission Trip with SHINE catholic work camp. I'm not really entirely sure where to start with that one. I had been to a SHINE work camp the summer before and it kind of changed my perspective. I had painted inside of a house the previous year, and I met girls from Wisconsin that stayed my best friends as long as our distance allowed us to. But as time went on, I realized that probably never being able to see each other again puts a big damper on a friendship. And it slowly fades out. Unfortunately, I find this damper to be similar to how my experience AT shine this year was. It's not that I didn't have a good time, because I did. But it was more of a challenge to enjoy, and if I had not been in such a good place before the week started, it would have had great potential to be a truly terrible week. We left the church at 3 in the morning on Monday, and we drove. I COULD NOT SLEEP ON THE BUS on the way there. So, needless to say, I started off the week quite grumpers.

So, my work group and first impressions. I try not to base relationships with people on my first impressions of them. The one kid in my group, I figured him to be rather cynical but I can work with that due to the fact my sarcasm is excessive and abundant. The one girl in my group, she was sketchy. A little too flirtatious, and a little too full of herself and her existence. And the other boy, he seemed a little too interested in things I couldn't relate to. But these were all just first impressions. And to be honest, I'm really not sure where my impressions of them went after that. The kids from Jersey..well. They took their first impressions and ran with them. They asked me all sorts of questions about things I had never had anything to do with and really don't want to have anything to do with. No, I don't care if you can buy weed legally. No, I don't know any party games because I don't party or drink. No, I don't hook-up with people and YES I am waiting until I'm married. It's really not that uncommon. And yes, sorry, I do like being religious. No, not all youth groups go out and party on the weekends. Like, really? I mean, these kids were nice kids. They really were. And by the end of the week, I really liked them quite a bit. But, the fact that their society makes it so that they find all those things NORMAL and I'M the weird one because I don't participate in those things..like is society really that corrupt? It absolutely boggled my mind. I mean, I know some people live like that, but the fact that it's the NORM there..kind of slayed me. But all in all, I guess I was glad I got to work with those two. They helped me realize how happy I am with what I believe and who I am, and how I'm not afraid to tell people. It's what I believe in..I'm not going to stand back and just lie or not answer peoples' questions just because I'm afraid of what they'll think. If they're judging what I do or who I am, then they're probably not worth my time.

Then the kid from Wisconsin. Yes, in fact, he was quite cynical. But I'm not really sure. He kind of had a major influence on my week. Not just because we worked together, but because his opinions were so hardcore. He DID NOT want to be there for the week. Everything about the week was compared to this other mission trip that he usually went on and wanted to be on this summer, but did not get to because his youth minister assigned him to THIS trip instead. But, honestly, I kind of feel like I made a difference to him and he didn't go away from the week completely hating it. At the beginning of the week, he could not like a single thing. He hated everything about what occurred during program at nights, and everything about the house we were painting, and about the staff for the camp and everything. But then, by the end of the week, rather than saying all the things he hated, he was talking about the few things he LIKED. While it was still very few things, it made all the difference. Transferring from listing all things hated, to listing few things liked is a big step. And we joked, and we talked, and I realized you don't have to be exactly like someone to get along with them. You can be totally different and impact each others' lives in a weird way that maybe neither of you are really aware of unless you look for it. [Which obviously I do, because I'm so passionate about people.] But, all in all, yes, my first impression on him was very accurate. He was cynical, but I could work with it. And we did.

But, the week overall. The work we were doing was a bit frustrating because a) we used ladders and always had to have a spotter so I was basically just ladder spotting all week. and b) because a lot of the time, I didn't feel needed. the family had a pool and the one woman and her son were out swimming in their pool watching us paint all week. not to mention, everytime they went to the side of the pool, they got on their blackberry phones. but, it was a lesson to learn I guess. Deacon Ron was talking to us about how sometimes we might not feel needed, but one of the hardest things about being a Christian is accepting a gift. We were doing this for this family, and they had to accept it..so that had to be somewhat challenging in a different way for them. Just because you can swim in your pool doesn't mean you can get on tall ladders and paint your house. So, it was kind of important. The work was frustrating but it tested my patience and taught me a lesson. Just because you don't always FEEL needed, doesn't mean that you are not. I think that's a good general lesson in life. Need is..complicated. Like, feeling needed isn't really about the other person at all. It's very much inside yourself. But actually need is two-sided. The side of the person who needs you, and the side where you just stand there and receive that need. If you try to compensate and put feeling into your side, it throws off the need scale and it has to reset it, and someone must zero the scale once again. So, being needed is a weird concept, and when it comes to service it is even harder to grasp. But, sorry if what I just ranted about need made no sense to you.

Then there was the program part of the week. All-in-all, I was a little disappointed. The theme was "olympics" and they had skits and stuff, but it was significantly more unorganized than it had been the previous year, and there was no gym space to play large group games so a lot was lost in translation. At least, for me. It was hard to not compare it to itself from the previous year. But a program can only be as much as you get out of it, so I spent the week trying to glean as much as I could from the week. And, this week actually did teach me a lot. Firstly, I realized that this week wasn't necessarily about me. It was about being there and witnessing to other people the person that I am and the life that I lead. Like, maybe the people in my work group needed to hear that not everyone does the things they do. But more importantly for the week, I realized that I'm graduated, and leaving Lifeteen. Like, Lifeteen has been my youth group, and I've been "that youth group girl" for the past 4 whole years. But there are people coming up from middle school, or just staring to get involved, and maybe it was important that I be there to show that you never really outgrow it. You can be in a totally different place or not enjoying things but it's important to keep a positive attitude and keep your personality throughout these things. It was important that I was there for the younger girls from our church, and to be encouraging and let them do crazy things like shove me onstage to sing I Gotta Feeling or dumb things like that that just really honestly do make a difference. Just by being there, I probably made a difference to people. Even if not to any of the kids, I know the adults appreciated me being there and being a leader and it was really awesome to be able to do that for them, and for my church. Realizing all of this helped me to grow in my faith even more.

Not to mention, how much I get from other people during experiences like this. Weeks like last week, or weeks like LEAD (God Camp #1) remind me why I want to go into youth ministry so badly. I got to be there and witness what God was doing in the lives of all of those other people, and I got to pray for them and it was amazing. Frankly, I didn't really get to feel God all that much working in my life last week. But I knew that I already had Him in a way many many people cannot know or comprehend yet, and I got to see Him moving or beginning to move in the hearts of a lot of the people there. I got to see their faces as their lives changed slowly in front of them, and I got to know God through each of them, even if just by watching them. And yes, maybe I sound like a creeper, but it's true. Being there around these people opening their hearts, and maybe playing even the tiniest smallest part in it by being there and living my faith..was totally awesome and made all the bad things about the week go away. It was absolutely amazing and made me so excited for becoming a youth minister because THAT'S WHAT YOUTH MINISTERS GET TO DO ALL THE TIME. Maybe not that simply, or glorified at all, but I know that there is a lot in store for me in the life I have laid out ahead of me. And I don't have to know about all of it. Having it be uncharted is TOTALLY AWESOME and excites me a lot. Getting to trust the future is one of the most terrifying and most rewarding things I could possibly do.

But that was just last week. God Camp #1..is..something totally and completely different. LEAD (or Leadership, Evangelization, And Discipleship) was a totally breathtaking and awesome week. People always go to things like Younglife camp (no disses on young life..promise), or their retreats for a weekend and come back saying OH MY GOSH, HOW THAT CHANGED MY LIFE. Well, I'm not saying that their lives didn't change, but more often than not..they had a good experience. Their faith showed them a part of themselves they had never seen before, and suddenly, they felt different. But seeing how different you can be and actually BEING different are totally different things. And, your life changing, that's rare. Usually, the only thing that might change is YOU..and you are the only one with the choice of changing your life. So, you can say all you want that a week changed your life. But the only thing changing is you.

Point of that rant is, that LEAD changed me. And no, I'm not like a totally radically different person now or anything. I'm pretty much still the same. However, I can say, at least from the perspective of my own head, that I am arguably different. As any of you that read this know, or any of you that I talked to before leaving for LEAD, I was kind of super nervous. And looking back on it, I feel kind of dumb for having been nervous. I mean, logically it was the proper emotion to have, but..the way that the week went down leads me to believe that if I had known anything about the week beforehand, I would've been heading to Steubenville a bit sooner. But, if I HAD been excited, I don't think the week would've gone nearly as well as it did. Does that make any sense at all? Looking back on it, I say wow, I should've been excited and not nervous because the week was awesome. Yet if I had gone into the week excitedly, I don't think I would've enjoyed it or it had been as amazing. Walls were broken down, friends were made, perspective was changed. I met people that I hope I never have to let go of, and I gained things into who I am that I hope I never lose. They said, we should come away from this week, and maybe right now, it IS the best week of our lives..but if we got proper things out of it, it is only the beginning and new "best weeks of our lives" will continue to pop up as time goes on. And, I think coming out of that week, I truly and honestly believe that.

So, yes, thus far, LEAD has been the best week of my life. It seems like there's so much that happened during it that I'm not sure it's even able to be recapped in a blog post. But because I am as mental as I am about writing/expressing things/being able to go back and read the blogs, I figured I should try.

I turned off my phone for the week. It was the first time I had done that..pretty much since I had gotten my phone and it was amazing. I didn't even care about turning it on except to a) tell people about the amazing things that were happening in my week. and b) on sunday to turn it on so that I could start talking to all the LEAD kids who I was missing already. it sounds slightly pathetic I suppose, that I would be missing them already after several hours without them, but it made perfect sense to all of us. There was so much of myself that the kids who were there that week got to see that I had never shown to anyone. Not even myself. I'm not entirely sure how that works, but I opened myself up to a whole new array of possibilities and opportunities and so did everyone else that was there that week. They all wanted to be a part of my experience, and I wanted to be a part of theirs, too. In turn, it made for one big conglomeration of all of our hearts and experiences and changes to make one experience that was the week as a whole.

The week as a whole. I guess there were a few big things that occurred that are a little weird to talk about, but if I'm talking about my week, they're positively essential to my talk of the week. Firstly, during LEAD, I realized that I actually really like myself. Which sounds a little weird to say, but if you know me at all, you know I have trouble with humility versus just plain discrediting myself for my abilities and such. And while humility is still a challenge for pretty much any normal human being, I realized that I actually really like who I am and I am extremely blessed with all the things I am able to do and be. Secondly, I further delved into my passion during the LEAD week. I spent a lot of time getting to know people in a very short amount of time and I figured out more about myself and how I observe people. I learned that in truly finding out what I like about someone and becoming friends with people, I have to make myself completely and utterly vulnerable. And while vulnerability is usually a turn off to most people (to participate in at least), I realized that I kind of absolutely love it. I love making myself vulnerable, and I love having people trust me, or see parts of me I don't normally show. My passion for people is deeply rooted in myself, and yet, it relies on the other people as much as it relies on myself. I can make myself vulnerable as much as I want, but unless the person returns the vulnerability and lets me in, then it is virtually pointless. However, I still love learning things about people and discovering random things about people on accident. And thirdly, the biggest and most exciting realization which I kind of already talked about earlier, is that I want to go into youth ministry. I'm not sure exactly what I will want to do, whether it will be me as youth minister, or me doing something like Kristi (one of our leaders from LEAD) does or what will happen, but God showed me how passionate I am about it and how good of a career it would be for me. While it is not really the best in terms of money, it is still something that I really want to do. I've never really been this excited about anything before. Yet, sitting through the week of LEAD, and feeding my life off of what was happening in my heart and the hearts of those around me..I realized that is a lot of what youth ministry is. You can find your strength in your own ways, but every story you hear has an effect on your being. Every story is a new witness that you add to your own. Because even though it didn't happen to you, the person telling it happened to you. And frankly, that is sometimes more powerful than the actual experience. But, because of my passion for people, I take these stories and my vulnerability and I make them part of me. [I hope none of this makes me sound crazy to anyone but I'm just trying to explain this..and words aren't really doing it justice..] Everything you hear can have an affect on you, and because I love doing nice things for people, I take what they tell me about themselves and I log it away into who I am. That way, I can more easily be there for them, and I can try to more easily relate to them without shoving whatever it is they told me back at them. Then I use what I know and who I am and try to share it with them, too. I think that's what youth ministry is all about. It's about living your faith and sharing of yourself in that state, wherever you are at. I want to share of myself. And maybe I won't become a youth minister, I'm not really sure where my faith and my life will take me, but I'm so excited about. Waking up each day is like a new adventure, and honestly, I have never ever been as excited about life as I am now.

As a few people who saw me the Sunday I got home know, this is significantly more articulate than I was when I first got home from the week. I was so excited and glowing about the experience that I literally could not form full sentences without having to stop and calm myself down. I tried to tell my best friend about it right that night when I got home, and she didn't really hear that much about it because I couldn't finish any sentences. But another thing I realized when I came home is that living your faith and sharing your faith isn't always about shouting it out (I never really thought it was, but I'm just saying it became more apparent to me.), but it is about simply sharing it when the opportunity presents itself and then just living it the rest of the time. Let people notice it in you.

There is also one other thing that I must address. In my previous blog post, I discussed how excited I was that there were people that were going to be at LEAD who would want to get to know me, and that there are people here who already do. I am SO THANKFUL for both of these categories. Everyone from LEAD holds a special place in my heart because they all got to spend that amazing week with me. But not just that, but because all of your stories have a particular make-up of who I am now. Everything that happened to all of you during the week, and everything that happened before the week that shone through who you were during the week play a part in who I am now. Your stories have become part of my story, and I could never be grateful enough for that because now MY story means more to me. Now my story is more colorful and more beautiful and I want all of them to know I will never forget about them. True, time might pass and I might not remember everything about each of you, or names might slowly be forgotten as time goes on and on, but you will all always be a part of me. In our faiths, we will never forget each other. And that is where it is important.

As for the people here who already know me..I could not be more grateful for you as well. While you don't all believe the same things I do, most of you are very supportive of me and what I believe. And the funny thing is, even if you're not, you care about my happiness. And to be honest, happiness is the core of it. If we cannot find happiness in our spirituality, at least deep down, then what is the point at all? But the people here care about my happiness and that is amazing. They might not always understand what's going on with my faith or my beliefs or my craziness and inability to form sentences, but even then, they don't understand, or might condemn, I can know that they're being the real world. It's not all going to be like LEAD, in fact, very little of it is going to be like LEAD. But, having LEAD as a part of my repertoire of experiences is like being equipped with arrows. We need other soldiers to talk about the war with. We need other soldiers to fight the war with. Society is a war, and if you have happiness, you better be ready for the enemies to steal it. But, I feel pretty firmly rooted in my joy, and who knows what's going to happen from here, but I'm sure it will be an adventure, and I am excited.

Speaking of adventuring, I am actually going to be attending another God camp. Yes..I know, a third one?! I'm crazy, but due to the fact this is the stuff I might want to be doing for the rest of my life, can you really blame me? However, this isn't just another one, it's one put on by Dayton, and I figured if nothing else, it would be a good experience for meeting people I'm going to school with, and getting to know the program I am hopefully going to be involved in within the coming years. So, yes, on the 15th I am going to be attending another God camp, and yes, don't be surprised if when I come back I have more to say. But, to be realistic, when do I NOT have a lot to say?

What I hope you glean from this absurdly long blog post is both that I am happy, and also, that life is an adventure. We are all adventuring both individually and as a group, and you never know what is going to be around each corner or hiding behind the trees. But just because it is unknown does not mean you shouldn't continue on it. That's what makes it an adventure, and I hope you are all going at it in full adventure-mode.

My adventure is beginning in full force, and I am positively stoked about it, in case you couldn't tell.
Thank you if you read this entire thing! :)

Farewell, until I again feel full-to-bursting with things I must say.