I have no idea what I'm talking about. I've started this blog at least 4 different times, and every time I come back to it and edit the draft, I give it a different name and rewrite a good couple of paragraphs that, apparently, later are not sufficient to express what I want and/or need to express.
But I think maybe that concept in itself is exactly what is drowning me right now. The fact that nothing I can say or do is sufficient in expressing what I need to say, and what I need to feel. My life is very much existing up inside my brain right now, and it's making it much harder to convey to the world and my friends and everyone who is NOT in my head what's going on up there.
Things keep changing. And while I've never been someone who's super into change, I think I've never really been against it. It's just a fact of life. And if we fight it, or try to feel things against the current, we are only hurting ourselves. It's just not necessary to make ourselves feel that way.
Oddly enough, at the beginning of this summer, it's not that I had particular expectations for it, but I knew that it was going to be extremely interesting and I hoped for certain things to happen and certain people to stay in my life, and maybe certain people to bow out of my life. Everything that I wanted for this summer now seems pretty futile. The wants of life outweigh the things that actually happen to us. And if we never admit this to ourselves, we will spend so much wasted time..which might as well render our hearts to be broken.
But this summer has changed so many things..and it's not that I tried to keep them from changing. I think for one of the first times in my life, I let changes just happen. And still, I felt many things, and maybe at times I didn't like the way they turned out, but change is inevitable and I feel more complete than I did when I started summer. I've blogged about a lot of the things I've done this summer, and the places I've gone, but when I think about this summer, neither of those is all that important to me. I'm not going to say that the things I did this summer don't matter, but it's like this...the things I've done, they were important, but not essential. I will only continue to do as time goes on. And if I'm lucky, those future doings will be even better than the past things (of right now). Also, this summer is not defined by the places I went. I differentiate each in an odd way. Steubenville, New Jersey, Dayton, Maryland, and Pittsburgh. But it's not about those places. It's not about the things I did in each of those places, but rather it is about the people I met and the people I already knew and how all of them changed my life. And yes, I know, I was bitter earlier about how you shouldn't say things change your life, but it's the short way of saying my perspective changed and now my life is better BECAUSE of this change. It's about the people in my life, because when it comes down to it, the people in my life ARE my life..and the person that I am is largely an effect of them coming into my life and being in my life and maybe even leaving my life. I cannot be more grateful for the friends I have had over the years, the friends I will hopefully have in the future, and the friends I have right now. Maybe I'll even get to keep some of them forever. Who can tell?
But words are exhausting me.
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