I don't know what I want. I think I've spent such a long time telling myself that I knew what I want that a few years ago, when I realized that I didn't know what I wanted, I still tried to pretend that I did. But, as time has gone on, I've stopped trying to pretend that I know, because frankly, does anyone really know?
People do things, and say that they know what they want. But, one day, you might know, and then the next, you might want something entirely different and you will be thrown into a chaos of not knowing.
Not knowing where you're going, not really knowing the depths of where you've been. Not knowing who you are, who you were, or who you're becoming. Only that you are. Not knowing what's going to happen. Not knowing when you're going to fall in love. Not knowing who will stay in your life. Not always knowing who you've already lost from your life. Not knowing who will come into your life. Not knowing what riches your future holds. Not knowing what tragedies it holds as well.
Not knowing, and for once, truly letting yourself not know.
I think if I've learned anything this summer, the biggest would be that I don't know...and that's okay.
I've learned how to make friends, how to hopefully keep friends, that my future holds great things, but it also holds struggles. I've learned that everything from my past is a part of my present, and therefore, a key to my future. But it's not a matter of dragging them behind me, or locking them up somewhere inside of me, but acknowledging them, and letting them come along with me in whatever way they may. I've learned that sometimes we have to let go of people for reasons that we cannot understand until long after we let go. I've learned that college can be whatever you want to make it, and it is full of possibilities. I've learned that being overly critical of yourself really gets you nowhere good. I've learned that the hardest people for me to appreciate are the people who appreciate me the most. I've learned that we all have separate people that we are in the summer. In a school year, it's not that weird for someone to change over the course of a month, or two months, or three; but in the summer people change and it feels like absurdity to us. But it happens. We all have slightly different personalities we run to in the summer, because they're unacceptable to be those people in the school year. I've learned that needing people can be beneficial. I've learned that each person has something different to offer each of us in a different way. I've learned that people are just waiting to get to be knowed. All we have to do is start to know them. I've learned that sidewalk chalk is an extremely simple form of happiness that I can pass on. I've learned that I have a lot to offer the world, no matter how much I might forget it or deny it. I've learned that sometimes, no matter how much I want to talk, listening is valuable beyond anything I could ever say. I've learned that hurt can be growth, not always backtracking. I've learned that I am good, beautiful and beloved. I've learned that I love my faith, and I'm not much without it. I've learned that I'm overly passionate about people, and it's an extremely huge part of who I am. I've learned that friendship is not about one defining moment, but rather the moment when you look back and say "I don't remember when, or how, or why we became friends..I just know now that we are." I've learned that music is soothing to my soul, and crying is therapeutic..and I rarely cry because I don't need to so much anymore. I've realized that happiness is a gift. Both one we give, and one we have to receive. If you don't have a delicate balance of both giving and receiving, happiness of any sort is futile. I've learned that sometimes holding on is useless, because when we look back to what we've been holding onto, there's nothing there anymore anyways. I've learned that people cannot be held responsible for their actions when emotions come cutting through. I've learned that being a child means learning how to parent your parents. I've learned that it's okay to miss people, and we should miss people in their own separate ways.
I've learned that no matter what I say, or do, or change from each day to the next, that I'll be okay.
I've learned that I really don't know, and maybe that really is okay.
"So I will help you read those books,
if you will soothe my worried looks,
and we will put the lonesome on the shelf."
Colon parenthesis.
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