My life is a Disney reference.

Dear Blog, it's been entirely too long since I've used you.
However, I'm not entirely sure why I haven't been using you. I've been bursting with a lot of different things that I have wanted to say, and yet, I usually just pick up the phone and call someone to talk, either that or I find the first available person I can trust here and spill my guts. Being at college is one of the weirdest most wonderful and odd things I have ever experienced in my entire life. I spend half of every day wondering if I'm ever going to adjust to things or if the next four years are just unknowns spilling out onto the floor at my feet every morning when I open my closet to prepare for my day. It's like all the things I packed into my life in the past 18 years are now a part of my life still, but in the past 3 months I have gained so much entirely more than I could have ever thought that I could in JUST 3 months. I have learned lessons and felt lessened. I have become stronger in some areas, and allowed myself to be weaker in other areas. It's kind of fantastically terrifying but I couldn't ask for anything different. Even though sometimes I'd just rather be at home than be here, I know that this is the right school for me and that I would not belong anywhere else as well as I belong here.

I think the biggest shock to my system is that I have come to the realization that I may never really meet someone as much like me as most people can. I mean, okay, every human person is unique and you will never meet someone exactly like you. I can understand that to the fullest sense, however, sometimes it's hard because the way that I am makes me want in return what I give to people. I have this problem where no matter how much I lower expectations for other people (not all people, just certain people who are minimally in my life anyways) it comes back that what I want from them is not always something they can give to me. I give of myself a lot and just simply desire that people give some back in return. It's hard to imagine that I should have to give up what I want when I give so much of myself because a) it's part of simply who I am and b) sometimes it's hard to give so much of yourself when you're not getting anything in return. I give a lot, and sometimes, it wears me out.

And now, don't get me wrong, I don't want anyone who happens to read this to think that the friends I have made at school are terrible people or that I hate all of them because that is not the case at all. My friends here at school are honestly fantastic. I don't know what I would do without them, and I am so thankful that each and every one of them is in my life. But sometimes, it's just hard because I really have only known them for a little bit over 3 or 4 months. And that's not enough time to be able to really know someone well (unless you put in an excess amount of time trying to figure the person out..which un/fortunately, is something I do pretty naturally). Some days I just get frustrated because I wish that I had someone who already knew all of my history. I wish I had someone here where I didn't have to explain why I feel a certain way because they would just understand without me needing to explain. The process of living with people and trying to get to know them at the same time pushes limits of friendships at a new extreme and it makes it a challenge to even be able to live with them at times. Some days you just want to be able to lay on a couch and watch television on a normal television screen. Or you'd like to just get in your car and drive for a little while to blow off some steam. Or drive to starbucks to get a "christmas in a cup" for you and deliver one to a friend as well. Or when things don't feel right, you don't have to explain to anyone why they don't, you can just go to that one person who knows before you say anything and gives you a hug. It's not the fault of anyone here, because they are all doing just great as it is under the circumstances (I truly do love my Dayton friends), but sometimes, I just get homesick. There's certain things that even subconsciously you get used to having over the course of 4 years, ,or 7 years, or even 18 years. Being here has taught me so much about the past 18 years of my life and taught me what I appreciate and need in life.

I have never felt so appreciative of the people in my life. Being here has shown me that the reason that I have always been able to put so much into friendships and relationships is because people put it back into me and into my life. I know that I would not be half of the person that I am today, the person that I get to be proud of each and every day if I had not encountered every single person that has been in my life over the last 18 years. Being here has given me the chance to understand and appreciate my parents to an extreme that I never thought that I could. And I'm sure that as time goes on, I am only going to learn to appreciate them more. Also, my siblings. While I might not be very close with my siblings, I know that they have helped me become the person that I am today. With how motivated and at least relatively supportive they have been of me over the past 18 years is kind of amazing. Maybe sometimes I got ridiculed by them, but it only made me stronger and learn better how to be a member of a group of people, and deal with "adversity" that may pop up in my life. Then my friends. Like I said, I would not be able to give so much of myself if people did not give back to me. Over the years, I have had the greatest group of friends, and even if they left and I happened to lose them, they have touched my life over the years in impeccable ways that never cease to astound me. During high school, I started to learn how to appreciate my friends more and how to build friendships that are two ended and not just me giving of myself. While I give so much of myself, and I have created so many "horcruxes" just by giving people pieces of myself, I know that so many parts of me are parts of other people that have been given to me to shape me and create me into the Julie I am today.

So, if nothing else, college has taught me to be appreciative. I know for a fact that it's doing more than just that, but that is the thing that stands out the most to me. I get homesick a lot, and I think it's largely just because I am so appreciative for the people in my life. However, even though I've been 'homesick' so to speak, I have also come to find this as my home.

I am torn. I belong to two entirely different worlds. Yet at this point, I'm not sure I would want it to be any other way because I belong in both worlds.

So, I guess that's been college for me so far.
It's a whole new world here, and no, I won't dare close my eyes. :)

I'm not entirely sure I know.

Tonight, I was talking to my roommate about what my life used to be like. And you know, I'm not entirely sure that it's written all over my face like I usually feel like it is. I mean, yes my past comprises exactly who I am now, however, it's not spread out in front of me. It's not like it's the road laid out ahead of me that people have to venture on to reach me. It's out behind me. And to be honest, no one really should walk on the roads behind them. Sometimes you can turn around and see the roads behind you, appreciate the beautiful and the tragic landmarks, but never travel back to them. But, sometimes I tell people things about my life, and they seem shocked. Like, maybe it isn't ridiculously apparent the things that I have been through. And even though I don't always feel like it was a good thing, maybe it was a blessing that all of those things happened to me. Maybe it's a blessing I get to keep it as part of me, even when people don't know. It's like my own terribly beautiful secret.

I want to say more but it's like 2 in the morning and all of my thoughts are all jumbled together and I can't get a single one out on its own. Maybe I will try again tomorrow.

Am I homesick?

This question haunts me every time that I talk to someone who is at home and asks me if I am. I usually say no, because according to everything I have heard about being homesick, I don't think I quite fit the agenda of this. However I may, in fact, be peoplesick. As my best friend coined the term, it seemed kind of fitting for how I feel about being here at school.

No, I don't love it yet. When I was here this summer, it felt more like something I was going to love. People talk about going to college or how they've been to college and how they already love it, and I guess at least a part of me hoped to be totally in love with it. And given, I have reached a point where I am really happy. I really do like it here, but I definitely do not love it yet. I've been trying to get involved in things, and make random new friends and do random lovable things here that might make me love it. But I don't yet. I also then remember that I haven't even been here a month yet, so I shouldn't be too hard on my feelings yet for it only having been a month.

I think what is making it the hardest about being away, besides not seeing my best friends, is all of the little things about my friendships and my life there that I miss. Like late at night when all I want is a handful of shredded cheese and I can't just go to my fridge to get some. Or being able to jump in my car and just drive to whoever needs me or being able to go to a swingset that is visible from my house. Things like going to choir on Tuesday mornings and getting picked up by Jess Hess. Hugging people when I feel like it. My coloring books. Proofreading Cecelia's papers for her infamous run-on sentences and amazing thoughts. Laughing until I cry with my best friends, rather than wanting to cry when I remember that I don't have them. Driving a giant cupcake to an anti-prom party. My love generations--my diamond. Chai lattes, and Hogsmeade. Megatron. Laying my head on my best friend's shoulder and watching BONES. The way my dad always fixed my computer when I messed it up, or my mom made me dinner. Working out with the musical kids, doing 16s. I miss the choir hallway. I miss the band hallway, and marching. I miss the mellophone family, and being their mother. I miss my parents. I miss sidewalk chalking peoples' driveways. My mix CDs from my car..and the list could go on for quite awhile. I literally miss so many things, and half of them, I don't even know why I do. I just want to be home for a little bit so I can soak a lot of those things in again. When I was there before I had been somewhere else for an extended amount of time, I didn't fully appreciate the little things. I didn't even fully appreciate the way that my friends are such amazing and supportive people who love me for exactly who I am. I need to be able to come back and soak all of that in again..with a new perspective. Just for a few days. Then, I think I will be able to love here more fully.

True Life College Confession: I love North Canton.
True Life College Confession 2: I really like Dayton, and I like making friends. I also really like having morals and being the person that I am. Being here has taught me that I really am content with who I am and what I do. So, thanks college.

It's 2:36. Happy First Day of College.

I'm not entirely sure what causes a person to realize that they are in college. Several factors of my evening have led me to believe that it doesn't really matter what I feel, college sneaks up on you and pounces. It's kind of mental, and trippy. Like drugs.

Speaking of illegal things, my evening was interesting. And no, I didn't do anything illegal. Like, actually, I was kind of a big loser this evening. The majority of the floor decided to go out to "the ghetto" which is basically just the student neighborhood, and seriously, they told me there was a party at basically every house. While I knew that it was going to be like that, I wasn't so sure I was quite ready to head out there for my first night of college. And yes, I became that girl who sits in her dorm and doesn't go out to party, just because I've, truthfully, NEVER in my entire life been to any sort of party. It's my first night of college, I'm sorry that I am not quite prepared for that much change. I hung out with Norman, and talked to my two best friends. I got a little more emotional about all of the changes than I thought that I would, but it happens I guess. So, I"m busy being emotional and wearing sweats and a hoodie because our room is CHILLY TO THE MAX. And then my one roommate comes back, who in fact, does not drink, but she brought her two drunken friends and our one slightly not very drunk friend who lives down the hall into our room. Before I knew it, I had a random boy telling me he needed to stay in my room for awhile so that he could sober up, and then he was lounging on the end of my bed, and the girl from down the hall was adamantly telling me about how awesome it was that she found a mini gummy bear in her package of fruit snacks.

While I do not intend to drink at college, pretty much anywhere I go on campus it's readily available to me. It's a little bit absurd for my brain to grasp this concept. However, it's not the end of the world that things are different. It's just like, the fact that I need to find where I fit here. What things I can do, what people will understand what I'm going through or what I believe and will try to figure out how I roll and do similar things as me. It shouldn't be all that hard, it may just take some time.

Time feels painful, and it feels confusing.
But it's okay. I think I'm actually really going to like it here.

No Need to Say Goodbye.

It's nearly one in the morning and neither me or my roommate is asleep. We haven't been bonding, we've been having our own separate time. But the general consensus would lead me to believe that neither of us really wants to go to sleep. Not so much because we don't want to sleep, but because we don't want to wake up and realize that we're in this place, without the people we love. We're recreating ourselves, and we're feeling the pain of new things interfering with our old ways, and the pain of missing people. We're hearing about things going on at home without us. We're finding the fortune cookie fortune we packed from our best friend, or a note tucked into our FRIENDS dvds. We're feeling the same mutual togetherness and aloneness that comes with being here in this new place. In this new environment.

We don't want to fall asleep and wake up to realize these really are our lives now. But it's inevitable. Even if we cry, even if we don't sleep, the morning is still going to come. And we're not going to be any less here. And the people we love aren't going to be any less NOT here.

But, after skyping several people, contacting via various technology with other people, and fighting with one of my best friends for the first time, over the phone nonetheless..today feels full, and probably can't do much more for me.

I think it's time to go sleep.
And I feel like the morning may greet me.

Cliche. But Necessary.

i have the best friends in the entire world.

and so our lives begin in confusion. and the more we try to understand, the more we realize that the understanding is not as important as the love.

Everybody, Everybody wants to be loved.

I feel like everything about right now doesn't make sense. The indescribable feeling of wanting to cry everyday when I wake up, and fluctuating between that feeling and a feeling of excitement, and a feeling of missing people who I am still with, and a feeling of long distance with people and distances only getting longer as I go.

I have so many feelings and I'm not sure what to do with any of them. Writing seems about like the last thing I should be doing, but like I've realized this week, some things you just can't push your way through. You have to stop and breathe and remember that even though it feels like this whirlwind of change and emotions is going to rip at your soul forever, it's really only a couple of weeks, and things will mostly adjust the way they're supposed to. And I'll be home in October, which is really not that far away.

But, sometimes, the worst feelings I have are the ones that tell me it doesn't matter if I'll be back in October. Like, my life is going to move on to Dayton and I'll have new separate things there. However, the lives here will also move on without me. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do. To be honest, there's nothing I can do. Life's just happening all around me, and I don't have a choice except to just live it.

As one of my best friends pointed out to me, mostly, I just don't like knowing. She reminded me how well I will adjust and how I probably won't have any trouble making friends or finding where I belong...I don't like all of the unknowns. I don't like not knowing what's going on in North Canton, I don't like not knowing what classes I'm taking, or not knowing what I'm doing with my life. Or knowing who I'm going to get to stay friends with when I leave, or knowing who the friends I'm going to make at school are going to be. There's so incredibly many unknowns and I just don't even know what else I don't know and it makes me crazy. But she reminded me that that is life.

And soon, very soon, I venture into this unknown that very quickly is becoming my life.
Which, as my roommates have told me, might be a little cramped.