To be honest, i'm not entirely sure how i feel about beginning a blog. i've never been the kind of person to just write about my life. i suppose i'm more the kind of person who rants about situations, frustrations, or exhilarations. but, awhile ago, i realized that writing is my most sincere form of communication and expression. so, maybe this is a good idea. maybe no one will like to read it, or maybe no one WILL read it. but the final point is that i'm writing, which is kind of a big deal.
i think for awhile, i just really didn't appreciate my writing as much because it tended to irritate me more than satisfy me. writing makes me crazy. it's like i have all the words in my head but i can't seem to convey them in a logical manner without an abundance of time to back me up. or, even if it's logical, in a way that expresses exactly what i'm thinking or exactly what i need to say. so, writing tends to be a real process but i'm going to try not to be too uptight.
alas, i've already written too much about writing itself, and if you are reading this you might be thinking, "wow, fascinating, she's blogging about blogging..good.." the judgment is allowed, and preferred i suppose. without judgment we could not appreciate that which is more desirable. i'm not sure particularly what i meant by that...but at the very least, i meant judgment vs. acceptance.
you know what's a funny concept? tolerance and acceptance. to pair with that. religion particularly in the departments of tolerance and acceptance. this summer, i've got quite a few amazing things ahead of me. we have "the list" which is of course, saved roughly on my computer and still waiting to just be put into action. but, aside from that, i looked at my summer and it seemed relatively normal. i'm attending the LEAD program at Steubenville (or God Camp as i've been referring to it) next week, and two weeks after that, i'm attending SHINE Catholic Work Camp, which i'm sure will be an amazing experience as well. but you know, i'm not really sure how i'm feeling about the whole "God Camp" experience. i've been trying to memorize bible verses for next week and i've been trying to get into a mindset that will prepare me for it, but i'm not entirely sure i AM prepared for it. religion has spent so much time drawing lines across society to create what should be tolerated, what should be accepted, what is unacceptable, and what is intolerable. but i mean, holy cow (ha..i'm punny on accident)..society is not the same as it was when religions and these lines were established. i've spent this year drawing up who i am as a person and figuring out where i personally draw the lines and i'm kind of afraid to go next week in fear that they will either a) subtly condemn me for my lines and convictions. or b) try to convince me that what i've spent over a year realizing and forming is all a joke. so, i'm kind of really nervous about next week. but, i guess it's less about what everyone else has to say to me, and more about whatever happens with me and the Big Guy Upstairs.
so, that's next week. want to know something else i don't like about next week? the lack of the people who are normally in my life. sure, it's good to go outside your box, and meet new people and do things that scare you. but, i don't know. i guess i've been squeezing all the honey and nectar of life out of my summer so far and next week is pale in comparison (at least from this end..don't be surprised if when i get back i absolutely loved it). but, with that squeezing of the nectar of life or whatever, i've gotten into a rhythm of seeing people (sometimes everyday) or just talking to people, and completely disconnecting myself from that world is a little bit too weird for my liking. but, then again, college is in the fall, and that's a somewhat disconnect. maybe this is just the excessive version of that..short term.
summer does weird things to lives. i find myself sitting in someone else's house (for the 4th day this week), while a 9 year old sleeps peacefully on the couch next to me and i am being paid NOT to sleep. nannying is one of those jobs you just aren't entirely sure why you decide to do it when you find yourself in yelling matches with 7 year olds because you won't give them a cookie, or laying at the pool trying to sunscreen your own back and talking to your best friend on the phone about how you are basically laying alone at the pool, or being threatened with knives, or being given silly bandz, or only God knows what else. when you wake up that last day of the week and feel like it is going to be the longest day so far, you are definitely nannying. it's one of those things you begin to question your sanity for choosing to be one. (and now..i have the "Nanny, Nanny, Rich Kid, Funny Dog" John Green song stuck in my head. NERDFIGHTERS, ftw.) but given, sometimes the children do endearing things and i remember why i choose this summer job over other ones.
summer also does other weird things. like, last night was weird. i found myself going to a friend's house so that she could aloe my back for me (funny, if you can't reach your back to sunscreen it, you can't reach your back to aloe the sunburn you get from it..oh life), and then we sat there and watched bones/avatar, and talked about who even knows what. after "shopping" through the shelves in her room for a good book to borrow, i departed her house in somewhat of a delirious state, a bandana tied around my forehead and believing i was a ninja. how does life top random things like that? however, when i said that was weird, i guess what i meant is, anyone who reads that might find that totally random and weird, but in my summer, it's totally acceptable and normal. i am reminded of last summer, my best friends then and our song, Chicken Fried. while the song itself may not be that quality (even though jamming to it in our cars TOTALLY was), it has its moments of pure brilliance, particularly in summer. "funny how it's the little things in life that mean the most, not where you live, what you drive or the price tag on your clothes, there's no dollar sign on a piece of mind this i've come to know." summer brilliance? i thought so. my little things can be laying on a blanket at starbucks with random people at random times, going to every park within a 10 minute radius of my house just to swing, sidewalk chalking people's drieways, staying up late to watch the vlogbrothers, driveway traps, spontaneous outings with spontaneous people, reaching delirium at any and all points of my day, and just spending time with people i love to spend time with. i just checked and apparently it's already my 17th day of summer, and while i could be sad that nothing on "the list" has happened yet, i can also be very happy that so many wonderful memories have already happened.
maybe it has nothing to do with the things you're doing, but rather the people you're doing them with. you might look back and remember the stupid things you did on random days, but you're more likely to remember the affect the people had on you, and the way your stomach nearly hurts with happiness from laughing until you cry. that content feeling you get way down to your toes when you are with people who mean a lot to you in ways that sometimes you can't even identify.
basically, i guess i'm trying to say that to me, THAT'S summer. and i have two and a half more months of it ahead of me and i am brimming with an abundance of excitement that is inexplicable. and yet, it doesn't matter much because i feel it doesn't need to be explained. it just kinda is.
off to read A Wrinkle in Time until the child wakes up...
I love summer. did i mention that? :)
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