What Makes Me.

There really isn't a simple way to go about trying to express everything that I am feeling right now. So, I find myself coming back to the blog that literally frustrated me out of my mind this summer. Every time over this summer that I tried to blog, I found myself not having the proper words for expression of what I was feeling or what I was experiencing at the time. So, maybe I wasn't supposed to blog to put it all over the internet. Maybe it wasn't really able to be expressed.

But now I'm back at school. And, I am still feeling so much. Different feelings and in a different way. Yet I'm feeling it regardless. I have to, or else I will cease to function.

What is the world, lately? Sometimes I forget how much the world changes when I'm not paying attention. [Then of course, there is the retort that I change a lot when the world isn't paying attention, but that's just an unnecessary touche.] My world this summer was completely different than anything else I'd ever experienced before. And now my world is so different than anything I've ever experienced. Even though it's still so much the same. Maybe the key is that I have changed so the world in which I live is being viewed in a different way.

Change is like the paradox of the universe. No one wants change, generally, but we all need it more than we are ever willing to admit. We needed to leave our parents' homes (whenever we did, or whenever we will), we all needed to meet all the people here that we met. And as much as I hate it, and probably other people do too, we needed to switch back and forth between the life that we have at home and the life we have at school. It's so that we can fully appreciate the things of both. There's things about being at school that are so fantastic it's unreal. Then there's things and people at home that are so perfect for me and my life that it blows my mind with unreality. Sometimes I step back and realize how ridiculously blessed I am in BOTH worlds in which I live, and I'm pretty damn overwhelmed.

Maybe there are things that piss me off sometimes. Things that kind of make me feel like the world is ending, or that I never did anything so awful to deserve the things that are happening to me. (That sounds way more dramatic written down than it did in my head.) But, the thing is, all of those things MAKE me. All these things that might make me cry, or stomp my foot, or vent for hours, or make me dance around in a glorious circle..those things are the things that make me into the person that is capable of moving back and forth between these two lives. Those are the things that make me lovable, and make me happy and sad. Those things that encourage me to FEEL even when I have spent so much of my life telling myself I shouldn't.

I'm pretty much just a normal person. Sometimes I might be better at expressing weird feelings like this that we all have, but I'm just generally pretty normal. I feel confident that if anyone reads this, they will relate to something that I've said. That's the beauty of humanity sometimes, I think. We never have to worry about anyone else being like us because we are fully and completely ourselves and no one else. However, there are parts of all of us that overlap. These are the things that draw people to us, the things that keep people in our lives. These are the things that make us friends.

So many little things that have so many purposes. Just give them a chance.

Bring it All Back to You

As much as it seems a little bit silly to admit that I love the song by S Club 7, I'm not ashamed to admit it. I remember going to my Grandma's house (because she had cable and we did not), and we would watch S Club 7 Marathons on holidays.
Maybe because I have the particular attachment of S Club 7 to my childhood, or maybe because it's just one of those songs that you have to dance to when you hear it, and you secretly know all the words after you hear the song once (and only once). But the lyrics have been running through my head and I can't stop thinking about them.

"Don't stop, never give up
Hold your head high and reach the top
Let the world see what you have got
Bring it all back to you

Hold on to what you try to be
Your individuality
When the world is on your shoulders
Just smile and let it go
If people try to put you down
Just walk on by don't turn around
You only have to answer to yourself

Don't you know it's true what they say
That life, it ain't easy
But your time's coming around
So don't you stop tryin'

Don't stop, never give up
Hold your head high and reach the top
Let the world see what you have got
Bring it all back to you
Dream of falling in love
Anything you've been thinking of
When the world seems to get too tough
Bring it all back to you

Na na na na..

Try not to worry 'bout a thing
Enjoy the good times life can bring
Keep it all inside you
Gotta let the feeling show
Imagination is the key
'Cause you are your own destiny
You never should be lonely
When time is on your side

Don't you know it's true what they say
Things are sent to try you
But your time's coming around
So don't you stop tryin'

Don't stop, never give up
Hold your head high and reach the top
Let the world see what you have got
Bring it all back to you
Dream of falling in love
Anything you've been thinking of
When the world seems to get too tough
Bring it all back to you"

Okay. So, I posted the lyrics in here, and I'm not usually the kind of person who posts lyrics but I think I need to listen to what that song is saying. Sometimes, lyricists kind of blow my mind.

And so, just listen to the song. I'm going to try to listen to the song and start thinking about myself more. I need to stop being so irrational, and stop letting my emotions control me. I need to learn how and why I need people, and let myself need certain things and be a certain person. I think for so long, I've just been so confused about who I am. Or at the very least, been denying myself so much of who I am. I spend so much time taking care of other people, and maybe I can't totally help it or anything..but for the first time in my life, at school and here in NC, I'm realizing that I don't take care of myself nearly as much as I should.

I'm pissed off and disenchanted with my life. But, the worst part is, I'm also really happy about my life. My emotions are ninjas and so they have a tendency to attack me when I am down and out for the count. If I'm being completely honest, I am absolutely awful at taking care of myself. And, it's a big deal for me to admit that, because as cliche as it is to say, admitting that I am bad at taking care of myself and that I need to take care of myself IS the first step to fixing the problem. But, in the meantime, I kind of need people to take care of me, too. However, I am suchamom, here. So many of the people here need me to take care of them, and even if they want to take care of me, they just don't know how to. And they might be learning, but I'm not really putting my heart into helping them help me.

I want to put my heart into it.
Bring it all back to me, I guess.

The End of the Beginning, and the Beginning of Everything In Between Here and Forever

8 months and 16 days ago. That's when I began my life here at Dayton. I'm not usually someone who cares much about details, but that was a rather large moment in my life. Not because that day itself really changed anything at all, but because I'm here now and I know that things have not been the same since that day.

I'm here now. I'm actually specifically sitting on the floor of a bedroom in the apartment of my (plural) fake moms. This might be the last time I spend a night sitting on the floor here, or, spending time here in general. Who cares? I suppose it's only a place and that's how it should stay. It's not about the location, it's about the people there: the things that have happened with them and you and the way in which you have become in that location.

So, I guess I must keep that in mind when I leave Dayton for almost four months. It's not about the place at all, it's about the people that I have met here and the person I am right now (not even the person I was...just the person that I am!). Dayton has sincerely ripped my heart out of my chest and made me into something that I never imagined that I could be. It has morphed me and shaped me and created me into something more beautiful than I ever thought that I could be. And maybe it's not that my beauty has changed or increased at all, but rather, that I have become able to recognize it. And for that, I am basically eternally grateful.

I have to tell everyone something though. Guys, I've fallen in love. This is going to sound excessively corny and cheesy and gushy to the maximum extreme, but I have truly fallen in love with God this year. We might still be in the "talking" phase, where I don't know completely where I stand or what's going to happen with Him and me, but, my goodness He is so wonderful and He makes me so happy..no..so joyful. When I think back to this school year, the last 8.5 months, I am overwhelmed with all of the blessings and challenges and love and amazement and everything else that God has given me. He has filled my life with so much and taken away so much of what I no longer needed. And I fought Him the entire time, but when it came right down to it, it didn't matter, He was not going anywhere. And He's still not. I might leave Dayton, but He's going with me. And the best part about that is that I know He is also going with each and every one of my friends and so I know that we will still all be together, at least in the fact that we are with Him. I know that's extraordinarily cheesy sounding and cliche and religious for the people who aren't, but I don't even care. It's the pure and honest truth that I know each day and that keeps me wanting to get out of bed every morning. Dayton has helped me find so much truth and beauty in my love for the Lord. My life has never been as beautiful as it is every moment that I am alive. It gets more beautiful every single moment simply because I am alive and I belong to God! That literally blows my mind every single time I think about it.

I'm not sure I entirely know the person that I was when I showed up here on that day. I'm not sure anyone really knew who they were. It was like gaining the key to our new rooms gave us the key to our new lives and the new person that we would become within that room. It unleashed a whole new realm of possibilities that we couldn't understand or explain until we were living it, and even then, we had no prayer of understanding or explaining it, but it changed because then we could feel it. Those feelings have helped us to make choices, those feelings have helped us discover whoever it was we were supposed to be, those feelings have helped us to address all the things we didn't want to address but being forced to address these things allowed us to grow. Those feelings were part of the reason that I got out of bed each day because I knew that there were such possibilities and such endless things to be known. When I was trying to figure all of these things out I almost gave up so many times. I almost lost myself in the mix of things. But people continually pulled me out, and now, now that I am returning the key to my room and the key to the life that I have lived here this year...I am forced to reflect back on all of these things.

I don't know what I am supposed to say to try to sum up this year. I don't know how I am supposed to take so much of who I am now and what happened to me and who I met and put it into words. Maybe for once, I'm not supposed to. Maybe it's only supposed to be for me to know right now. But yet, here I am, still trying to put it into words because it isn't enough for me only to have access to these feelings. And I want to try to remember this in the future.

I think something that is a very large part of so much of what has happened here in me and around me and with me is the people. I can't even begin to understand what kind of people have been in, left, come into, and gone out of my life this year. I have been hurt and broken and shattered and fallen into so many pieces in so many ways this year. Parts of me that I didn't even know that I had or was holding onto were lost and broken and sometimes I truly thought that I was not going to be able to pick up the pieces or figure out how to fit myself back together again so many of the times. But each time, God would give me the opportunity to be alive and whole and beautiful once again. Whether this was of my own accord, or someone else taking the time to do it for me, it continually happened this year. I could not be more thankful for the people that took the time on me this year.

From the people in my life this year, I learned so much. I learned that love is reckless and all-encompassing. It is painful and wonderful and hurts and heals us. It is something that cannot be put into words when it is being felt, and something that we have endlessly to give, if we remember that the most important love is that for your Savior and that for yourself, because if we have these loves, then we can give and receive all the other kinds of loves in a more righteous and beautiful way.
I also learned that friendship, when formed in the right ways, has no loopholes. It has no boundaries, either. A true friend accepts and loves you for exactly who you are. It isn't necessary to be afraid or question your value to them because they want you. A true friend wants to be there in whatever way that they can, and a true friend wants to provide you with what you need. By being a true friend, those people probably will provide you with exactly what you need..even though it takes us awhile to see or understand or admit that what they do for us is, in fact, just what we need.
I learned that living is astoundingly magnificent. Getting the chance to wake up each day is something that I have for so long taken for granted. Someone this year used the phrase "thank you for this day that I have not been promised" in a prayer. This kind of blew my mind. This one line in this one prayer actually changed the way that I was choosing to live each day. When I began to look at things with more of this attitude and less of one that hated waking up for class and homework and life in general each day..I became so utterly obsessed with being alive. I know it seems kind of like an odd thing to be obsessed with, but...I almost lost some people in my life this year that were extremely important to me. Realizing that I might not be able to see those people ever again, and then realizing that I used to largely not value my own life..put a lot of things in perspective for me. My life is from God, and..I deserve to be loved and deserve to have the fullest most splendid life that I possibly can. I have learned that I deserve so much.
I learned that fear isn't always a bad thing. Fear can mean growth. Fear can mean that there is more good to come. Fear can mean that I am, in general, at least feeling. And most of all, that fear can be overcome. It is not something that is unconquerable. It is something that truly can make me grow. It is something that can be one of the most beautiful parts of me if I let it help me, and not hurt me.
I learned that school is important, but we can figure out how to fit it into our lives that are social and growing and changing. It doesn't have to rule your life, but it can actually be helpful to your interactions with people and your knowledge of the world. It can help prevent extreme naivety. Just putting in a plug for higher education.
I learned that my parents always have been right..and that I am slowly becoming my mother.
I learned that who I am is always enough, as long as I learn to let it be.
Mostly, I have learned. I have learned that I know a lot, I am always learning more, and I am also in the process of knowing nothing.

In general, I am just so thankful. I am so thankful for all of the love that is surrounding me all the time, and is constantly present in my life. I am so thankful for the laughter, and the people to hold me when I have the tears, too. I am so thankful for the fact that my parents make so many sacrifices so that I can be at this school. I am so thankful for this school..the teachers, the lessons learned, the people here who fill my heart entirely to overflowing, and then catch the overflow when it hurts. I am so thankful for my life..every day that I get to wake up to. Everything terrible that reminds me that much more that I am alive..and everything wonderful that helps to remind me how grateful I should be. I am so thankful for the past 8 months and 16 days...because they were. It doesn't even matter what they were..just simply that they were.

And I am thankful that I can know that while Dayton is where all of this happened..it is not about the place. It's about the people there: the things that have happened with them and you and the way in which you have become in that place.

And oh, how I know this now. How I have felt, how I have loved, how I have changed,
how I have become.

Those are the things that will matter...for the next four months while I am not here.
And for forever.

"I remember that day my life changed,
And now leaving here seems so strange,
The love and friendships will be summer's glue,
Cause now I know..I'll be homesick for here, too.

Here is where I belong,
Here is where I learned my song.
Here helps me be all I can be,
Right here, I'm fully me.
And when I forget the words,
I know here..I'm still heard."

And the Sun is Breaking Through.

My life is sincerely wonderful. I can't begin to try to express that. And, the weirdest thing right now is that even though some extremely unwonderful things have happened in the past few weeks are not bringing me down, and I've been really happy. Like, I've actually gotten kind of mad at my emotions because, as tears are rolling down my face, and I can't help but cry about things, I'm crying and I'm so happy that I don't even know what to do with myself. My emotions are doing normal things, unlike the usual Julie emotions that are not normal at all whatsoever. I mean, but really, whose emotions ARE normal?

Anyways. Okay. What am I trying to say? This blog should probably have a point to it, otherwise this is dumb.

Okay. Okay. I guess this is what I really want to say.

I appreciate life. I'm tired of people not appreciating life. I think that there are so many things to look forward to and so many things that we can love and find joy in. I think that there are so many things that people take for granted, like the fact that even getting to wake up each day is an absolute blessing. I know it seems like I might be a little bit overly exuberant, but seriously.
If you stop and think about a) how many things require you to breathe through the night and be able to wake up in the morning. All of the blood that courses through your veins and all of the nerves and parts of your brain that fall asleep, and all the parts that remain functioning. It's amazing that your body is able to function so perfectly and beautifully in order to allow you to wake up each day. And b) The fact that God allows us to wake up each day means He has some way and some thing for us to do in that day. Like, maybe you might not feel like it, but there is SOME purpose for you in exactly today because you are awake and alive and functioning! If you're reading this, then you are alive, and you. have. purpose. Some days it is a big purpose, and some days it is a small purpose, but regardless, there is purpose there. People not appreciating life is one of my hugest problems lately. Getting to wake up is what, literally, keeps me going. I am so. tired. of people not valuing life. And it kind of wears away at me.


I just really want to be conscious and aware of the things that I am saying and the purpose that I am having each and every single day. It feels like the majority of people think about purpose and their value once it is too late, or once something awful has happened that requires them to think about it. But, what if we all appreciated life at its face value? Not for the bad potentials that might happen, but at each and every single day we lived that day to the fullest.

I mean, of course, there are boundaries and things that might hold us back. But we can't blame those for the attitude and the approach that we take to each day. It's up to us to find the sun of every moment, and up to us to see the life in each and every person's face, whether we are friends with them, or whether we are not. There is so much to be learned about how we are living, and I wish people would realize that.

It's not that I expect everyone to be happy or optimistic, or even to love life.
But, as N2N knows..you don't have to be happy to be happy you're alive.

Just consider these things next time you wake up, or as you're going through and living a new day. It kind of changes both nothing..and everything.

Even if Just for a Moment.

I've had a terribly awful amount of emotional or pessimistic blog posts and I kind of want to change the pace a little bit. However, since I don't really know what all I want to say in this, we'll see if I can manage to maintain this.

A friend has told me, from what her mother has said, that the best way to stop worrying is to be grateful. And right now, gratitude is what I want to have the most; worrying will get me nowhere.

I have so incredibly much to be thankful for. I know that pretty much everyone goes through a spell where they're excessively grateful for the things of their life. Frequently, these spells occur after something horrific has happened to them, or after they have lost someone that they care about. People sometimes just list things that they are grateful for, or they just find gratefulness for one single thing or a few of them. However, I don't know what to say. The things which I have to be grateful for in my life overwhelm me. I don't need bad things to happen to me to realize all of the good things I have. I guess I just tend to take them for granted because I have convinced myself that I don't deserve good things.

My family is fantastic. I have been home for almost a month, and I got to see ALL of my immediate family. Both of my sisters, my brother, and my parents. While some of my family occasionally disappointed me, I'm sure I also occasionally disappointed them, too. The sacrifices that all of my family makes in order to BE a family amazes me. Not only that, but the amazing people that each of them are. They're all so funny and so motivated to do so much with their lives. Most of all, they're all really extremely wonderful people. Whether they hold the same beliefs as me, or choose to make similar life decisions to me doesn't really matter. My family has a beautiful way of helping to make me exactly who I am. Whether it be that I have subconsciously picked up their tendencies, like being interested in humor or music. Or if it is the fact that I decide to pursue religion and avoid drinking because of what my family has done in the past. It's a challenge to know exactly what you decide yourself and what your family has decided for you, but I know that my family has paved a decent path for me up to at least a certain point and, after that, I have been formed into a person that gets to make decisions that makes me the best person I can be.

I am grateful for the educations I have received. Both the high school that I got the opportunity to attend, and the wonderful college that I get to attend as well. In high school, I was grateful for all of the classes that I got to take, and the teachers that were passionate about what they were teaching. There were teachers there that inspired me to pursue a career in teaching even though sometimes I might fear that I would not be patient enough. But my past teachers and my passion for learning and for people has taught me that I can do these things and I can be excited about teaching simply because I have had teachers and classes that I loved. High school also gave me so many opportunities to figure out what I was good at and opportunities to show to people that I was actually good at things. Not that people doubted that I was good at things, but everyone deserves a chance to be really good at something. Everyone deserves the chance to be good at something, and with my random self esteem issues that I developed throughout high school (as every teenager does), all of my extra-curriculars and experiences in high school gave me the place to figure out at least in the smallest of ways who I was. Without knowing what I did about myself after leaving high school, I would never have been able to survive in college, or even be able to make decisions about what I might possibly want to do with the rest of my life. I am so thankful for education and all of the opportunities it has given me, and all of the things it has taught me both in life and about myself. I am grateful for college, but I'm not entirely sure why yet. And I think that's okay. It's only been a semester, and I am looking forward to figuring out why it is right for me and what it is doing for me and my life.

Then, I am grateful for change. Last week, and over the past few months, I have realized that not everyone in the world (I know this seems like an idiotic statement) is tolerant. People are so close-minded and so judgmental that it is literally destroying our society. [I wrote a blog about this a few ago..I think it's called Chemistry and Politics if you want to read it..] Some of the people that I used to hang out with were practically brainwashing me because I was friends with them. And yes, I know that I have the opportunity to make my own decisions but it's hard when the people who you care about want you to be a certain way and you never would want to let them down or stray from the spotlight of beliefs they shine down upon you. But after these people became less prevalent in my life, and I realized that I could step out of that spotlight and into the darkness of the unknown, I met people who are hanging out in the darkness as well. In the darkness, you can have your opinions without shining your light in the eyes of others. In the darkness, people can still be judgmental, but there is greater tolerance. It doesn't mean that our lights aren't as bright or that our lights have gone out, but that our lights get shone onto issues that actually matter. We get the opportunity to recharge our batteries and find new sources of electricity and learn to better understand people because we aren't so preoccupied with our own light. The thing is, I have changed over the past few years. I have made friends who are supportive of me finding my own light, and even if we might not always have exactly the same views, they let me have them. I am learning to see that I have a lot of light to offer to other people, but it's only worth having if I let other people have their own lights, too. I sincerely want to shine my light right now on tolerance. I am thankful that I have gotten the chance to change and see things in a different way, and I look forward to the change that is my future.

Of course, the thing that I am grateful for most often, but it is hardest for me to express the most is the gratitude I try to express for my friends. I rant on here sometimes about how I don't know why I am frequently so nice and why I choose to be such a good friend. Well, I am not grateful enough for my friends. The reason that I do all the things that I do for my friends is because they do a lot for me. Like, more than a lot. Even though I go out of my way to do particular things like delivering cookies or Starbucks or, I don't know what else, my friends do an excess of little things for me. They make CDs for me, sometimes text me just to tell me they miss me, they go out of their way to be sure that I know that they love me, or they simply just listen to me and understand me. They convince me that I deserve them, which, to acknowledge how much this is, is extremely not easy to do. Over the years I have spent a lot of time convincing myself that I don't deserve much of anything. But I am grateful for them because I do deserve them. I am grateful for them because they are in my life.

I am grateful for the fact that I have "people" people. There are people that come into our lives who teach us things and who, no matter how much might happen or all we might do to not really deserve them, life wants us to keep them. There are people that come in, and out, and then maybe back again, but we don't really get to keep them entirely. There are people that become a part of us and then leave. But I have people that have become a part of me and no matter the cards that life deals us, I have confidence that these people are a part of my life for as long as life allows. They teach me lessons every single day, and show me the worth that I have in my life. They have taught me that I have so much value and so much that I can offer in this world, and even if, maybe sometime I lose them, whether it be soon or whether it be much later, I know that my life is more beautiful because of them. My life is worth more because I got to share it with them, and I got to have them as a part of it. Even though I hate the whole "we'll be friends forever" thing, especially lately when it feels kind of tainted, I know that there are people in my life who are my kind of people. I don't have to try anything or be anything with them. They are simply my people. And, even though I'm grateful for them in the things I do, I want to be sure they know how grateful I am for them individually. I am grateful that they are grateful for me, and they give me purpose. When I feel lost, they find me.

These things that I am grateful for here give a bigger picture for what my life is.
But, for at least while I was writing this, I did not worry.
I filled with gratitude and filled with love for my life and for all that I have.
So, I must then be grateful for words.

Another horcrux made to be posted and forever lost to the internet.
Yet I am grateful.

Words of Water, my mouth is dry.

I need to apologize for all of the absurdity. Not really on here, and not that anyone in particular usually reads this, BUT, I've been pretty ridiculous and want people to know that, maybe it isn't really warranted but I think I'm coming to terms with it.

I should be writing essays for a scholarship program that I'm applying to, but to be honest, I don't feel much like talking about why I'm applying for the program, or addressing the talents that God has given me as an individual or what book I've read that has helped my faith to get better. I don't want to talk about an experience that challenged my faith, because it will probably make me cry trying to write it. I don't really want to write about how I would change the University of Dayton, or talk about why I love learning. But it's one of those things that I don't get much of a choice about. I don't get to tell them that I don't want to write these essays, unless of course I just don't want to apply for the program.

Ironically, I really really want to be accepted to this program. It's a way to deepen my faith and incorporate it into my academic life and meet other people who are as passionate as I am about religion and trying to build it into their life. BUT, I don't feel much like doing anything, because right now, I don't feel much like being anyone. I get tired of always trying to be a certain way. Even if it's just me being me, no "trying" necessary, just myself. It's still a challenge at times. Why is it all about acceptance of personalities and people approving of what we say and do, and basically, just who we choose to be? Like, WHATTHEHECK.
This is never what life was supposed to be about, and I'm not sure when it became this way.

I think sometimes I try too hard. And then when I reach a point where people will basically accept me no matter what I do, I go crazy. I rant about everything that goes on in my head, and I text them at all hours of the night and have emotional breakdowns (weekly, if necessary). I don't know how not to fully devote myself to people. I know that a lot of times, this can be a good thing. But other times, it's like a current that drags me under. And I'm left gasping for breath when it throws me back out, or when I struggle my way back to the top. Sometimes, people are left to resuscitate me. Not frequently, but it's happened. Shaking and crying in someone's arms, or over the phone, or to the point where nothing matters anymore. People pick me up.

But it comes back to..would they pick me up if I hadn't put in the effort in the first place? I give a lot of myself, but would people still be there for me if I hadn't initiated it? Would everything still turn out the way it did if I didn't try so hard?

I know it shouldn't really matter because this is who I am and being me is complicated but worthwhile and my life is excessively beautiful and wonderful and all of that jazz, but, there's always the "but." Every good thing where I say "oh something is actually really [insert wonderfulness]..." is typically followed by a "but" and then something negative.

I love positivity, but for being positive, I thoroughly enjoy negativism.
Also, I've come to the realization I'm an emotional masochist. Oddly enough, my friends already knew that. Like, when one of them suggested the reason that I was doing something was "because I was a masochist" I promptly looked up the particular definition of masochism and realized that I might in fact be one. I expressed this to one of my friends and she responded "well, yes, you definitely are an emotional masochist, but it's okay."

I listen to sad songs on repeat, I text myself into situations that are extremely hard to get out of and draw me in emotionally, I let myself miss people a little too much, I tend to be negative on myself even when I know better (I will preface statements with "I know this is totally ridiculous but I'm going to say it anyways" or, "I know this will make you want to slap me.." or "Well, this might not be entirely true but it's how I feel" kind of statements). I couldn't tell you why I do these things. Only that I've done them for about as long as I can remember. Does this mean something is wrong with me? Like maybe I really do actually have a legitimate problem.

I just overflow.

This is some of the overflow, in case you didn't guess. I just astound myself, because even though I feel as if I am constantly overflowing, overflowing with everything I want to give to other people, I leave almost nothing with myself.

I apologized for the absurdity at the beginning, but frankly, that was a dumb thing to do. Because this blog is full of what I am referring to as "the absurdity" and it is full of me. It is full of everything that I don't know if I can say. It's full of everything that bypasses my mouth and flows out of my fingers when I become so tired and tense; these things have filled me and they need somewhere to be poured.

Why am I even apologizing? The only people who probably read this will be the ones who I ask to read this, because inevitably, I will need affirmation. I can't write this just for it to be written. It's not so much that I need someone to affirm me that it's good or that I exist, but I like to be affirmed that maybe what I'm saying isn't crazy.

And even if it is crazy, I want them to know what I'm feeling, how I'm feeling it, and maybe understand me just that much better.

I honestly don't remember what my point was.

You know what's hard? The fact that people are always shared. I mean, okay, start over. I'm not a greedy person. I'm not a slave-driver either, and don't really believe a person should be owned or unshared or anything. Because, usually, I think as soon as I meet someone awesome who tops my friends' chart, I want to share them with everyone. However, sometimes, it'd be nice if we could just steal people out of life and leave our lives with that person and get to know them, and I mean, really get to know them. It would be so utterly fantastic, because I love people. If you've read my blog at all, or even if you know me at all, you probably understand how passionate I am about people. It's almost a little bit of a disease, but what the heck, I am a little bit diseased, and I think I might like it, which I imagine is a little part of the disease, itself.

Well, all of that was a little bit ranty and a little bit crazy, and a little bit pessimistic and maybe it didn't make any sense. I'm not quite ready to read it yet.

This is usually the point where I go into my headspace and take all of the terribly ranted things that I said and make sense of them. This is the point where I usually would bring all of my craziness back together, give explanation for all of my emotions, and solve all of my own problems that have been hanging over my head. This is where I would attribute something to my brilliant best friend (who knows more about me than anyone ever has, and I'm not sure if it's because she listens to more of all of this than anyone else, or if she actually has taken the time) and then discuss the thing she stated to me and rip it apart and analyze it until everyone including myself could understand it. This is usually where I would write some dramatic ending and make everyone that reads this think that this blog post was not a total waste of space and thoughts produced by me. This is the point where many good things would potentially occur.

But I'm dry. I don't have the same headspace right now, and I don't have anything with which to make sense of all of that blog. I don't have any excuses to explain my emotions. I don't have any dramatic ending or convincing for why this isn't a colossal waste of space and time.

But I do have this. I have words spoken by my best friend. I have some of those, but I don't want to rip them apart.
Me: You always have so much faith in me.
Her: Not hard to.

I want that. I want to have faith in myself the way other people can.
I want to be good enough for me, and I know that's up to me.

Sorry for all of this.
"Live, and let live."

Purpose & Suppose are on the Same t9.

It kind of feels like when I'm home, my heart swells to sizes that are not even capable of fitting inside of my chest. This is my childhood, and this is where I can find and make sense of myself.

Christmas is rapidly approaching and my brother gets home tomorrow, and by the end of the week, my entire immediate family will be together for the first time since..I don't know..maybe July. It's been kind of a long time, and I guess I've really missed them.

But, after a few days of everyone being home, most of them are going back again. My sister is going to have to go back to her job in NYC. My other sister is going to visit her boyfriend in Alabama. In a few weeks, my brother and I will have to go back to school, too. For some reason, I just feel like I need to freeze time and run in mid-air for awhile. Like I've got all these figurative pounds that I've gained over the past few months, and I can't shed them unless I take the time to let them go. I want to just keep running and running because I can't seem to shake this weird feeling that pulls at the bottom of my stomach. But it's not like I'm upset.

I was thinking about how so often, especially when I'm at school, I feel as if I have no purpose. Not that people don't need me, but that I just don't know me, and people don't know me, and my purpose gets lost or misconstrued.
"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?"
I've always defined myself by what other people think of me. I find myself through the things I do for other people, or the friends I make, or the way that certain people can understand me. But none of those are my purpose.

Yet to be honest, I don't think that I have no purpose. Far from that: I think I've just been toying with too many of them. I have so many purposes, and yet, I've lost sight of all of them.

I have the purpose of being a friend. That's the purpose that I always keep most on the surface, because I care so much about people and making their lives better that I make being a friend the most important thing.

I have the purpose of being a daughter and a family member (sibling, niece, granddaughter). And especially lately, I've come to know that that means occasionally doing things that are not for me, but for my parents. It means going out of your way to see relatives, and visit awkwardly with people in your family you haven't seen in awhile. It means giving of yourself in a friend-ish way. With those things that are obligations, make them choices; it's so much more rewarding.

I have the purpose of following my career path and following my passions. I am meant to use my passions and my life itself to teach people and to eventually find myself in a future that uses me to my greatest potential. Even though sometimes I might feel discouraged or useless, or even scared of the things I feel called to do, I know it's one of my many purposes.

I also have the purpose of being faithful. Not just to the aspects of my life that require commitment, but to my God. Even though a lot of people know how important my faith is to me, it is the only reason that I can have any purpose. Even though sometimes I can't always see it, or can't always hold onto it as strongly as I'd like to..I know that my faith and my purpose comes from God and that I would not be capable of being much of anything without it.

I have a purpose to be Julie. And this is my greatest purpose. All of those other things that I find purpose in are found only through me choosing to wake up each day and be myself. From me waking up each day and choosing the things that comprise myself, not the things that please other people. I have so much beauty and completeness simply in myself, that without the me that I am, or that I am constantly striving to be, I wouldn't be much of anything.

But I think that when I'm home, I swell up. I am so aware of what figurative shoes I wear and where I fit and who I love and what I deserve and how not to be selfish, and I just swell. And sometimes the swelling hurts, especially because when I go back to school and I'm so "swollen" of myself, so to speak, I don't know how to be me. I don't fit into the shape that is myself. This is because Dayton is forming a new shape and sometimes I try to fit my overly swollen North Canton self into the shape that is the Julie of Dayton. They are different and the same person all at once. I still need both of them, and I probably always will.

I feel overwhelmed, and swollen, but I am reminded of what my true purpose is.
And I just want to enjoy now while I can.

A little plug for life: even though death and illness sometimes come unexpectedly, or come in and ruins our plans..it reminds us we don't get to make the plans. God, the greatest planner of life, makes them for us.

My planning for the end of December 2010, and 2011 in general are open to being written.
I'm giving up the pen, and taking up my purpose.
I'm reminding myself I'm Julie, and starting from there.